Sumi’s corner

Stellan has been in SVT (which is an abnormally rapid heart beat) for a week now, and doctors have been unable to break him out of it. His mama has been keeping us updated on her blog and she says today is his worst day yet. His heart is getting tired. Please join me in praying for him!

My own pain in missing Jenna has made me so sensitive to the suffering parents go through when their children are fighting for their lives, and right now my heart is heavy for Jen’s sake. She is exhausted. She has been on a huge emotional roller coaster for the past week. And her baby is not doing well at all.

As for me, I am feeling a bit fragile. I know that God is sovereign and that he can bring incredible beauty out of something that looks like a heap of ashes. I have seen it. And I know that if Jen had to join this exclusive ‘club’ that no-one wants to belong to, that God will give her songs in the night too and make something beautiful through her pain. I know it. But I just want that precious cutie pie boy to live and I want for his mama’s testimony to be that God is a healer. Which I know that he is.

My story is a miracle too…to have such peace in the midst of such a loss,  to be able to say it is well with my soul when the most precious thing in your life is ripped from you…it is a true miracle of God’s grace. Jesus has been faithful and generous to me and I acknowledge that. Still Jesus, I’m asking for the other kind of miracle for Stellan, please.

Fighting ~ a cold. A very mild one.

Noticing ~ all the little things that are neglected around here, that I never have time for.

Drooling ~ Over a new blog look that I don’t have the savvy to implement.

Wishing ~ for a nice haircut with highlights.

Praying about ~ adding English to my teaching schedule next year. Could be fun. Could also be wayyyy too much work.

Praying for ~ Stellan and Kristy,

Listening ~ to Isa Couvertier. The girl has heart.

Curious ~ about the monster that sent the 8th graders running last week. I was brave. I put a quarter next to it and took a picture:

Sharing ~ a poem my dad wrote and emailed me: 

        A year has passed, a year of pain

        Is it all in vain?

        Jenna’s limp and lifeless body on my lap

        I kissed her forehead and gave her back.

        Jesus, why allow this to be?

        Tonight he revealed this to me:

        “The pain you feel is what you share of

        My life I gave for you and her.”

        Lord, let it be.

        I am content in Thee.

        Leon 23 March 2009. 00h25

Daddy, I have no words…

Ok, so I have been avoiding my blog. Which is absolutely out of character for me. It is as if my words got lost somewhere in the crazy hectic weeks after my mom and sister left. Perhaps if I didn’t write about the fact that it is now longer than a year since Jenna left us, it wouldn’t be so. Or if I ignore the fact that I never really took the time just to sit and miss her on the days preceding the 17th, I can pretend that time hasn’t marched on as resolutely as it had. I can freeze myself in a bubble and take myself back to almost-a-month ago and feel like I am doing Jenna justice by really missing her. Sometime. When I get the time.

Of course, my little muffin doesn’t need me to be sad and miss her to know that I love her, and my hubby doesn’t quite get my angst either. He thinks I am silly because I WANT to take the time to be sad. (He’s being really practical, and he is right, of course…umm…what’s the point? Jenna is happy, and we are really doing OK.) Still, part of me wants to get sentimental and sad because somehow, strangely, it makes the memories sharper and brings Jenna closer. I have been quite detached lately.  Underneath it all though, there has been an edginess to me, a lot of emotion boiling right underneath the surface.

I think I am also ‘emo’ because I am just. so. tired. Spring break can’t come soon enough, as far as I am concerned. I can see it in my students too – we are all drooping right now. (Don’t get me on to my soapbox rant about the year round schooling I grew up with in South Africa, compared to the system here…)

Tiredness aside, I am really doing quite well. Every now and then (just when I need it) something encouraging happens to show me that what I am doing at the school is not in vain. This week, my bible girls asked such sweet questions in their journals and showed some real understanding of the scriptures which blessed me. I started out the year with such high hopes and I have failed to live up to my own ideas of what I wanted to accomplish in that class. Nevertheless, I thought to myself that if I can leave them this year with simply the knowledge that whatever happens, God is on their side and rooting for them and always has their best interest at heart, I have left them with something  substantial.

As I thought about that, I realised that in my own life, miraculously, I really understand that everything God does is good, perfect, and above all redemptive. I KNOW that the thoughts he has towards me are thoughts for good and not for evil. How I got to this point I do not know. But I do not believe it is possible to encounter Jesus without encountering his goodness, and I have encountered him enough to know that he is altogether lovely and abundantly merciful and kind. Oh, how full my heart is towards him tonight. I can say with David: “This one thing I know: God is for me.”

Other snippets about my life (for you, ma, because I know you’d want to know…   ) 

The two younger boys are feverish and throwing up and will have to miss out on the birthday party of the year. You know…the one where they were going to be picked up at my house in a limo and be taken to a hotel where they were going to spend the night playing video games and scarfing (instead of barfing) pizza and swimming in the indoor pool. It sucks.

I have just finished reading Booker T Washington’s autobiography. (He reminds me of ouma, ma.) Who said I was never interested in History? Huh? Huh?

The school newspaper is coming out again soon. That means I am going to fall off the face of the earth for a few days…again. Hubby won’t like it. I am really having a hard time juggling this journalism class. It is too big and there is a lot of things happening at once. I need some wisdom there! On top of the school newspaper, I have committed to work on a yearbook for the school. Oi vey!

The weather here is luvverly. My friend Heather says it reminds her of African weather and it does. I have a serious dose of spring fever. If my kiddos weren’t sick we’d be traipsing all over the countryside enjoying the outdoors.

Ok…after this very random late night post…g’night all! Thanks for still being here, even though I have been such a slacker with my blogging!

Yup, we are still here. My mom and sister (did I mention that she came along as a surprise?) are back in South Africa already and I have been playing catch-up with all the neglected school work. No time to blog, really. I did a half-completed photo blog on our visit to the cemetery on Jenna’s heaven day. I will merge it with this post and add it at the tail end.

I MARVEL at the goodness of God. Something incredible is happening in my life, a dream I have given up on a long long time ago, is unfolding right before my eyes. It is too fragile and fresh to share here right now, but tonight I can say with everything inside me: nothing is impossible with God.  The thing that always surprises me when God steps onto the scene, is how EASILY and simply everything works out. No sweat. Just me standing back in awe, knowing that God has done in a few short weeks something that I couldn’t do for twenty long years. I just love him for it tonight.

Today a year ago we were learning to live without Jenna. Amazingly, we had times of laughter between the tears. I end off with two pictures taken that day, and will copy and paste my unpublished blog entry about Jenna’s heaven day afterwards.

Oh…and before I go….hubby has this amazing thing to say that he has promised he would put on my blog. It’s been a while now, and I thought perhaps you all could help me beg  plead pressurize encourage him to post it. :-) It is a sweet little revelation about Jenna that I think will bless others as it has blessed me.

Fun with the cousins…

Jenna’s heaven day was a precious day.  My bible class and I enjoyed some of Jenna’s favorite snacks, and the school purchased an oak tree to plant in Jenna’s honor. We stood around the tree holding hands while the pastor prayed, and then released some pink balloons on which we had written some love notes for Jenna. When we finished some 6th graders shuffled up carrying a gorgeous memory box that they had made for Jenna. It was soooooo sweet. I’ll post a picture, when I have taken it.

We went to the cemetery after school, and had some more Jenna snacks while the kids played.

Our friends Holland and Sarah…

This last picture is of a Valentine’s card that Joseph had made for Jenna last year. His mom had saved it until now to open it. The words made us cry. Jenna and Joseph were the bestest friends ever.

I don’t know how anyone can walk through this without Jesus. His wonderful peace and grace is a constant blessing. What a good God we serve!

I want to thank all of you, my sweet bloggy friends, for all the precious comments you left on my last post. You are all amazing and I appreciate you so much! May Jesus give you all a big hug from me…y’all deserve one.