…I still try bloomin’ hard. Too hard.
I still have too much of a desire to be seen and noticed, and given pats on the back. Church at times have been a struggle because I would want recognition so badly but not get it in the form I expected it. I do not blame anybody for this. I know that my pastor and the rest of my church family have their hearts in the right place. I know that getting pats on the back from people really isn’t what I need, it is getting loved on by God and letting Him shine His truth in the deepest hidden chambers of my heart that will make me free.
I feel that the Lord purposely pulls us aside sometimes, and puts us in a place where people don’t supply what we need so that we will turn to Him. We become a ‘garden enclosed, and a fountain sealed’ (Song of Solomon). The garden becomes a growing, fresh and vital thing, yet it is a private place that is not ready to be revealed to the outside world – yet.
Psalms 83 talks about His ‘hidden ones’, and that is what I feel I have been for much of the time that I have been here. Then something comes along like it did a few Fridays ago, the bible school students were called on to talk at church. I wasn’t even sure I’d be called on to talk, but I did and it turns out that the Lord really anointed what I had to say. Someone told me it was the one message that stood out the most for them. I got some great feedback from it and in some ways felt vindicated for all the times I felt overlooked. (Baring my soul here)
Here comes the crunch though. Though I know in my head that it was all God and nothing of me, that thing in me that wants to be seen, rised up, and all of a sudden I started thinking that I have a whole lot to say about a whole bunch of things. I left some preachy sounding (to my ears) comments on blogs, and wasted a whole lot of time thinking about insightful, relevant thoughts I could share about the church and about the kingdom of God. I spent hours yesterday typing up an entry that I posted for about 15 minutes, then deleted. lol.
It’s comical really. The sweet thing about it is that Jesus didn’t bash me over the head about it, and though some of you might think I am bashing myself here, that is not what I am doing. I am just telling it like it is. He is always so tender with me and I know he ain’t finished with me yet.
I am trying to learn to not just say things for the sake of saying them. Even here on my blog, or maybe especially here on my blog. It doesn’t come easy to me, but right now I’m like…O.K. Lord, I’ll shut up unless I really feel like I have something worthwhile to say. Trouble is, if you’re desperate to be seen and heard, you can convince yourself that almost anything is worth saying. Hehehehe
I’ve been reading the gospel of John where Jesus says: ‘of my own self I can do nothing’.
The church is so in need of people who have that same spirit. People who are convinced that they can’t do anything apart from God. It is as we take up our crosses and learn to decrease so that he can increase, that we will become the vessels that he desires:
2Co 4:7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.
It is this kind of people who will really show the power of God, and the greater works that Jesus promised that the church will do, to the world. It will be a people who are so dead to themselves and so alive to God…people who have no trace of ambition to been seen, or heard, but who instead seek to glorify God alone in everything they do. God knows he can use people like this because they won’t get big-headed or be tempted to take the glory of God for themselves.
I have a long way to go…