Of my own self…

…I still try bloomin’ hard. Too hard.

I still have too much of a desire to be seen and noticed, and given pats on the back. Church at times have been a struggle because I would want recognition so badly but not get it in the form I expected it. I do not blame anybody for this. I know that my pastor and the rest of my church family have their hearts in the right place. I know that getting pats on the back from people really isn’t what I need, it is getting loved on by God and letting Him shine His truth in the deepest hidden chambers of my heart that will make me free.

I feel that the Lord purposely pulls us aside sometimes, and puts us in a place where people don’t supply what we need so that we will turn to Him. We become a ‘garden enclosed, and a fountain sealed’ (Song of Solomon). The garden becomes a  growing, fresh and vital thing, yet it is a private place that is not ready to be revealed to the outside world – yet.

Psalms 83 talks about His ‘hidden ones’,  and that is what I feel I have been for much of the time that I have been here. Then something comes along like it did a few Fridays ago, the bible school students were called on to talk at church. I wasn’t even sure I’d be called on to talk, but I did and it turns out that the Lord really anointed what I had to say. Someone told me it was the one message that stood out the most for them. I got some  great feedback from it and in some ways felt vindicated for all the times I felt overlooked. (Baring my soul here)

Here comes the crunch though. Though I know in my head that it was all God and nothing of me, that thing in me that wants to be seen, rised up, and all of a sudden I started thinking that I have a whole lot to say about a whole bunch of things. I left some preachy sounding (to my ears) comments on blogs, and wasted a whole lot of time thinking about insightful, relevant thoughts I could share about the church and about the kingdom of God. I spent hours yesterday typing up an entry that I posted for about 15 minutes, then deleted. lol.  

It’s comical really. The sweet thing about it is that Jesus didn’t bash me over the head about it, and though some of you might think I am bashing myself here, that is not what I am doing. I am just telling it like it is. He is always so tender with me and I know he ain’t finished with me yet.

I am trying to learn to not just say things for the sake of saying them. Even here on my blog, or maybe especially here on my blog. It doesn’t come easy to me, but right now I’m like…O.K. Lord, I’ll shut up unless I really feel like I have something worthwhile to say. Trouble is, if you’re desperate to be seen and heard, you can convince yourself that almost anything is worth saying. Hehehehe


I’ve been reading the gospel of John where Jesus says: ‘of my own self I can do nothing’

The church is so in need of people who have that same spirit. People who are convinced that they can’t do anything apart from God.  It is as we take up our crosses and learn to decrease  so that he can increase, that we will become the vessels that he desires:

2Co 4:7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

It is this kind of people who will really show the power of God, and the greater works that Jesus promised that the church will do, to the world. It will be a people who are so dead to themselves and so alive to God…people who have no trace of  ambition to been seen,  or heard, but who instead seek to glorify God alone in everything they do. God knows he can use people like this because they won’t get big-headed or be tempted to take the glory of God for themselves.

I have a long way to go…

4 responses to “Of my own self…

  1. We all have a great deal of growing to do. That is just the way it is. My Noah asked me what I would want if God gave me anything? My reply? Wisdom. So then I asked him what he would want? After some thinking he also wanted wisdom. So we are growing wisdom by reading proverbs almost every day.

    The moral of the story is perhaps you could think about what gift you would want from the Lord and then read you bible based on that desire?

    You are doing great Sumi, I have seen lots of growth in you over the years.

  2. (((hugs)))
    I tried to read that entry that you delete, it’s still on my reader, so that I could comment. You have such an open spirit and you are just so very tender.

    I love reading your insights to the Word and what it is saying to you. You always give me something to think about.

  3. Sumi, can I just say that you have taught me alot by what you have written to me and also, from reading your blogs. I see God’s light shining from you. What you say comes from your heart. You told me things and have so much faith, you helped me so much with my faith and believing and just caring for me, during all that myself and my family was and still is going through.

    Your ability with scripture just astounds me to no end. It causes me to think and to learn.
    That is a gift from God. And so are you.

    I hope that came out right.

  4. Sumi it is very natural to seek validation for what we have to offer and do for others and in our families and churches. It is our nature to do so.

    It is difficult as a christian to suppress this need for recognition. It is a part of our christian growth…giving all the glory to God. Accepting that others may not see the deed done or hear the words spoken…but God always knows.

    You have grown so much…..it is always uplifting to me to read what you have to say…..I am so glad you decided to blog.

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