Once upon a time there was this amazing forum that I belonged to. It was the bestest homeschool forum in the whole world. It was my community, it was a place that affirmed me, and a place where I found the most precious friends. It was also a place where I learned that I really like to put my thoughts in writing and my friends put up with my blabbing mouth and often unsolicited advice with a whole lot of grace.
When the wonderful lady who owned the forum announced that it was time for her to close it down so that she could focus her attention on things that bear much more weight in life, we were sad but we understood all too well. I for one, knew that it was the end of a season, and a new season was dawning in my life. I too, wanted to spend more time focussing on my family and my God. I wanted to relish the time I have with my kids, learn to play video games, and beat them at Monopoly, Dominoes, Scrabble, Yatzee. 😉 I wanted to learn to be a good organiser of my home (yup, ambitious thought, but oh well) , get really comfortable playing the piano whilst singing at the same time (yes, multi-tasking is hard for us blondes), and get a really solid foundation in the Bible.
So I pulled away from the forums early, before it actually closed. The following weeks were interesting. I hadn’t realised how much time I had been spending on the computer connecting with friends but neglecting to connect with my own kiddos. It was a freeing thing.
Roll on a few months. I started blogging as a way to keep up with my forum friends, as well as to keep that outlet where I can express myself. There is no way blogging could be as addictive and time-consuming as forums right?
It is all too tempting to see what everyone else is up to, to find other like-minded bloggers, to research what people have to say about this or that or the other. There is a part of me that likes to be seen and affirmed and that part pushes me to keep writing, because if I don’t post for a while I might lose my readers. I have enjoyed seeing those blog stats creep up, and for weeks now they have been on a pretty decent level in my opinion. But what if I stop writing and…gasp!…people stop reading?
This brings home to me very succinctly that I am still way too preoccupied with me, myself and I, and that I am so needy of God’s grace to change my heart. For if there is one thing I know, it is that it is not about me…I am aware that there is a world out there desperate for people who will show them the truth and grace of Jesus through his word. But I cannot hope to minister to those ‘out there’ if I cannot keep my own household straight.
In the end it all boils down to priorities. And this is my personal ‘wretched person that I am!’ moment, echoing the apostle Paul (Romans 7)…that despite my efforts to the contrary, I am bound to always find some kind of distraction that keep me from doing the things that really matters. Who shall save me from this tendency to lose myself in the trivial and neglect the important? Thanks be to God, through Jesus…
I read the first few chapters of 2nd Corinthians today and was so moved by Paul’s heart and his ministry. I told Jesus, I want a heart towards his people like that, and I want to be able to show his glory the way Paul did. Thing is, the Spirit of God was big and glorious in Paul because of what Paul suffered, and because he was willing to die to himself. Suffering and glory are inextricably tied to one another. When I suffer in my flesh, then the life of Jesus is so much more abundantly at work in me. Reading those chapters this morning gave me a fresh perspective of what I really want and what is really important to me.
The person whom I really want to affirm me and be pleased with me is Jesus. Even if it means shutting my computer down for a month. It would just about kill me, but that would be OK.