I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of you may have noticed me going on and on about leaders in the church, about the emergent church, about the church as a family… and those are only the posts I have published. I have 5 drafts sitting here on my wordpress account that I haven’t made public yet. 🙂
Truth is, I have been sensing an urgency in the Spirit to spend time with Jesus and really get to know him in his word. It is as though I have been awakened out of a long slumber and something within me is calling me to get ready because the fields are white unto harvest. (John 4:35) I see such a need in the church, and my heart is aching for those who are looking for something different, more real, more powerful in the church today but are struggling to find it.
I think it has finally dawned on me that there is an inheritance for me in Jesus, something he has called me to step into and then help others to find it too. I can actually hear that call now, even though I have spoken about it for some time… It has taken me this long because I have been so busy with my life, my thoughts, my deals…but when I step outside myself and see the need out there I realise that it is up to us! I’m reminded of that passage in Isaiah where the voice of the Lord is saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? And my hearts’ cry is: Here am I; send me.
I fall so short though…and it is so easy to get distracted with the mundane stuff of life. Just this week I spent hours on the computer putting a website together for our homeschool group. It was great fun, and it has made me ‘flavor of the month’ there, 😀 , but my walk with Jesus has suffered. The Israelites needed new manna every morning in the wilderness…I need fresh and new ‘bread’ out of his word daily too, if I am to survive.
Even without my perpetual distractions, it isn’t easy to find the time… Pastor’s wife and I had a conversation today, about how hard it is for mothers to just shut the door and get alone with Jesus when there is always a child (or a hubby!) with a need.
I don’t know why I am writing this very aimless and rambly post. I suppose I just want to write down for myself what is on my heart. This has been hard to express because the thoughts run deep and it is hard to pull them up to the surface, if you know what I mean.
I just don’t want to waste my time with the unimportant stuff. I don’t want to look back years from now and wish I had spent my life differently. I am aware that so much of where hubby and I will be in the future depends on what we do now. I really don’t want to fail…yet I am so frail. (I’m a poet, too 😉 )
Jesus, I just want to love you. I want to be like Mary, who chose that good part, and sat at your feet. Help me to lay aside my distractions and turn my eyes on you. Let my heart echo David’s when he said: My soul longeth, yea, even fainteth for the courts of the LORD…One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.