Back in action – sort of

Yesterday this time I was flat on my back in bed with a fever and cold symptoms. I am thankful though that the tummy bug the middle and oldest boy had, has escaped me. I’d rather have a runny nose than a tummy bug.

I can’t remember when last I had such a high temperature though (103) and as is so typical to my stoic self, I refused to take meds until late last night. By that time I realised that I was so hot that I wouldn’t get a good night’s sleep if I didn’t do something about it.

The two youngest boys were very cuddly and kept on coming in to snuggle up to my hot (I wish I could say figuratively 🙂 ) self. I had a good conversation with the youngest about Jenna. They all miss her terribly.

The boys were a tad too clingy yesterday though and I found out why when I took my temperature in their presence. The middle boy said: “Mom! You have to go to the doctor! People can die from high temperatures!” I assured him that I was going to be fine, that this was just a bad cold that has been going round our church.

Poor kid. He often says that if he had a time machine he would go back and just give Jenna a hug and a kiss goodbye. He says he knows God has a reason why Jenna had to go and he doesn’t want to interfere with that. (Isn’t that precious?) I wish for that last hug and kiss too – Jenna left us so unexpectedly.

I spent the evening before last surfing websites about the grief of losing a child. I found some common misconceptions about grief that I might share here at some point. All of the places I went to, and my own feeling as I am just beginning this road, seem to be in agreement on one thing. There is healing in keeping Jenna’s memory alive and remembering her as part of our family as opposed to ‘getting over it’. I am sure that with time, the periods of sadness will become patchy and pop up only once in a while. But I will always miss my little girl. She is flesh of my flesh, after all.

I remember how surprised I was once when my grandmother, then in her eighties, mentioned that it was her oldest, stillborn son’s birthday that day. Sixty-something years later, she was still remembering her lost son. I now understand. Jenna will always be a part of me. The grief will abate somewhat but boy, I am looking forward to seeing her in heaven.

8 responses to “Back in action – sort of

  1. Sweet sister you celebrate that precious little girl’s life every single day and don’t you let anyone tell you otherwise! There is no “getting over it” there’s only living with it thru the power of the Holy Spirit! I lost 2 babies before I ever got to hold them and you wouldn’t believe the people who said “Just be thankful for the ones you have” like I was just supposed to pretend that life wasn’t in me. I think alot of people don’t know what to say and sometimes it’s just best if they say NOTHING! Remember, talk, cry, laugh, whatever you need to do, just do it and let the Lord take care of the rest.

    Know that you are in my prayers daily, as well as your family.
    Love in Jesus-

  2. How sweet of your son Sumi. I pray as you grieve that God will continue to show you things you may have forgotten about,like the “I love you Mom” on your computer. May He surprise your heart with many touches of your precious Jenna in your days and years ahead. Your reunion is going to be so breathtaking.

  3. Several years ago as I was visiting my Gram she took me to her bedroom and showed me the pictures of my Uncle Richard. He died at age 3, just a year before my mother was born. I don’t recall all the details but I do remember her saying that the family thought she was nuts for keeping the pictures of him in his coffin. Because of the family’s reaction, and the fact that they didn’t want to talk about him, she kept the photos put up and only looked at them in private. I was honored that she had shared them with me. He was a beautiful little boy and I pray that she is in heaven with him now (Mom thinks they are together but I’m not sure). I think that I helped Gram that day by being willing to view the photos and listen to Gram share about her son whom she’d never forgotten.

    I agree w/Valarie, don’t let anyone tell you to just “move on”, “get over it”, or “be thankful for the ones you have”. Jenna is your little girl still. She’s in your heart and your mind. God gave her to your family for a reason and He doesn’t mean that you forget all about her, He probably still grieves for all His children that are lost for eternity. Allow Him to heal you, He won’t ask you to forget her only to trust in Him, which you’re already doing.

    Hugs, prayers and love to you and yours.

  4. I agree with you and Elaine and the others that say a person can never be gotten over or moved passed they are forever in your heart. There was only one Jenna unique and specially created by God. I feel honored to share her memory with you and hear her sing and know how special she was to her family.
    I hope you feel better soon.

  5. Sumi, Thank you for allowing us to be able to see your heart through this process. It’s a gift for you to be able to open up and I love, love reading about your sweet little girl. I know your greif must be overwhelming at times but, little Jenna’s voice is in my head daily, singing her sweet song to Jesus that you shared with us. It has reminded me of that simple, simple joyous faith that God so wants us to have. Praying for you today.

  6. Hey – I’m not logged in b/c I’m at work (shh, don’t tell). Anyway, a quick story from this weekend – we went to the cemetery in mom’s hometown with Krisztina. As we were putting out flowers, my aunt pointed to the grave of her daughter that drowned at the age of 6 (in the 1960’s) and said, “this is where my baby is buried.” I just thought it was sweet that she still considers her as her baby when she has grown grandchildren.

  7. Ah, dear one. I’m sitting here browsing your blog, reading your journey, and grieving with you. My eleven year-old found me, tears streaming down my cheeks, and said, “look at it this way, at least you get to see her in heaven.”

    Leave it to a kid to cut through the chase. I cannot imagine the depth of the pain you feel. My heart is broken for you and the path of sorrow you must walk. But I am also encouraged by your posts because they remind me that our Lord never leaves or forsakes us, no matter how deep the trial. Your faith in Him and His faithfulness to you shines so beautifully even in this.

    I am humbled that my post would speak to you as you walk this road. I feel so honored to be allowed to do so and am grateful to you for letting me know.

    Your beauty shines like the morning sun. Thank you for allowing us to walk a little way with you.

  8. Sumi,

    I still remember every Nov. the baby I lost at almost 12 weeks pregnant. I so wanted that baby. In fact I hemorrhaged and could have died myself, I had passed out and didn’t want to come back. I have always felt sad that I didn’t get to hold that baby even once, but like your Jenna, it was God’s plan. I can see being in my 80’s and still remembering that baby. When I think of what Jesus gave us to remember him by I feel that we are supposed to remember our loved ones that are no longer with us. If we didn’t feel sadness at their passing would we be less human? or not honoring what the Lord had given us even if it was for a short time? I wish I could express what I mean better but, hopefully you will get the idea of what I’m trying to say. Hugs and prayers sent via heaven.

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