I really want to blog but I don’t know where to start. I have a jumble of thoughts at the moment. Soooo, excuse if this post is somewhat disjointed. 🙂
Today was a more weepy day than most for me. My natural tendency in any time of crises is to lose myself in things that will distract me from dealing with that crises. The scope of the current crises in my life makes it a bit hard to do that, but I still find that the last few days I have been running to other things to fill my time and to lose myself in, rather than Jesus. Sigh. In the first few days after Jenna went to be with the Lord my heart was so tender and sweet that I thought I would never fall into the same old patterns again. I so want her death to effect a lasting change in me and to make the most of this opportunity to press deeper into Him.
I realised last night that I had pulled my heart away from Jesus a bit – facing Him requires a measure of surrender that is painful for me to give. Like the song says: there is pain in the offering. My spirit-man is at peace with Jenna’s death and can rest in God’s plan. But my soul (ie. my emotions), is in an uproar. I find that I constantly need to do what David did: “Lift my soul to the Lord” but more than that, ( and I haven’t done this too well) to keep a grip on it: My soul is continually in my hand…Ps 119: 109
I realise this is a journey, and a long one at that. By keeping a grip on my soul I do not imply I must keep it together and not mourn for Jenna – I realise that mourning is healthy and necessary and is a process. Being straight-up honest with God and letting those emotions out is always the way to go. I simply mean that my emotions (or my tendency to avoid them) should not have the upper hand and the last say. They shouldn’t pull me away from Jesus but towards him. When I turn to Jesus and find his sweet presence I find that my soul is ultimately quietened and comforted by Him. It is when I push through the initial pain and dying-to-self of surrendering that I find his peace.
Anyhow, I think today was weepy because I was trying to be more ‘real’ with Jesus and yet also struggling with surrendering at the same time.
It is funny how my blogs evolve…this one went in a direction I didn’t quite anticipate. 😀
I looked through some of my old archived posts that never quite made the cut for one reason or another and didn’t get published. The day after Christmas I was posting about the wonderful day we had whilst the boys and Jenna were downstairs ‘breaking in’ their new wii. Jenna was talking up a storm and it was so cute, I tried to type out what she was saying. I missed some details since I type so slowly, and I can’t remember what ‘rocks’ she was referring to (a game on the wii?) but finding her dialogue with her brothers in my blog archives was a pleasant surprise:
Michael, you’re my best brother. Tim, you’re my best brother too. Jonathan, you’re my best brother too, aren’t you? Hey Jonathan? Michael, you all are my best brothers. And mommy’s my best mama, hey Michael? Oh, look at all those colors…red, and yellow, and blue. Oh, look at those mean rocks. They are mean rocks, aren’t they? Hey, Michael, are you and mommy going to put a fire in the fireplace? Then mommy’s going to get marshmellows. Ok Michael? Jonathan, that wasn’t very nice! Say sorry to me. Hey, Jonathan, say sorry to me…Jonathan…It’s Ok, Jonathan. But you’re still my best brother. Michael…sigh…you are my best brother.
This went on for a little while until she eventually got tired of talking to her distracted-by-the-wii brothers (they only gave half-hearted replies to her conversation to get her to keep quiet!) and went to amuse herself with her new toys.
Here is Jenna and her ‘best brother’ Michael:
And here is one of my favorite and most recent pictures of her: