Pressing in

I really want to blog but I don’t know where to start. I have a jumble of thoughts at the moment.  Soooo, excuse if this post is somewhat disjointed. 🙂

Today was a more weepy day than most for me. My natural tendency in any time of crises is to lose myself in things that will distract me from dealing with that crises. The scope of the current crises in my life makes it a bit hard to do that, but I still find that the last few days I have been running to other things to fill my time and to lose myself in, rather than Jesus. Sigh. In the first few days after Jenna went to be with the Lord my heart was so tender and sweet that I thought I would never fall into the same old patterns again.  I so want her death to effect a lasting change in me and to make the most of this opportunity to press deeper into Him.

I realised last night that I had pulled my heart away from Jesus a bit – facing Him requires a measure of surrender that is painful for me to give. Like the song says: there is pain in the offering. My spirit-man is at peace with Jenna’s death and can rest in God’s plan. But my soul (ie. my emotions), is in an uproar. I find that I constantly need to do what David did: “Lift my soul to the Lord” but more than that, ( and I haven’t done this too well) to keep a grip on it: My soul is continually in my hand…Ps 119: 109

I realise this is a journey, and a long one at that. By keeping a grip on my soul I do not imply I must keep it together and not mourn for Jenna – I realise that mourning is healthy and necessary and is a process. Being straight-up honest with God and letting those emotions out is always the way to go. I simply mean that my emotions (or my tendency to avoid them) should not have the upper hand and the last say. They shouldn’t pull me away from Jesus but towards him. When I turn to Jesus and find his sweet presence I find that my soul is ultimately quietened and comforted by Him. It is when I push through the initial pain and dying-to-self of surrendering  that I find his peace.

Anyhow, I think today was weepy because I was trying to be more ‘real’ with Jesus and yet also struggling with surrendering at the same time.

It is funny how my blogs evolve…this one went in a direction I didn’t quite anticipate. 😀

I looked through some of my old archived posts that never quite made the cut for one reason or another and didn’t get published. The day after Christmas I was posting about the wonderful day we had whilst the boys and Jenna were downstairs ‘breaking in’ their new wii. Jenna was talking up a storm and it was so cute, I tried to type out what she was saying.  I missed some details since I type so slowly, and I can’t remember what ‘rocks’ she was referring to (a game on the wii?) but finding her dialogue with her brothers in my blog archives was a pleasant surprise:

Michael, you’re my best brother. Tim, you’re my best brother too. Jonathan, you’re my best brother too, aren’t you? Hey Jonathan?  Michael, you all are my best brothers. And mommy’s my best mama, hey Michael? Oh, look at all those colors…red, and yellow, and blue. Oh, look at those mean rocks. They are mean rocks, aren’t they? Hey, Michael, are you and mommy going to put a fire in the fireplace? Then mommy’s going to get marshmellows. Ok Michael? Jonathan, that wasn’t very nice! Say sorry to me. Hey, Jonathan, say sorry to me…Jonathan…It’s Ok, Jonathan. But you’re still my best brother. Michael…sigh…you are my best brother.

This went on for a little while until she eventually got tired of talking to her distracted-by-the-wii brothers (they only gave half-hearted replies to her conversation to get her to keep quiet!) and went to amuse herself with her new toys. 

Here is Jenna and her ‘best brother’ Michael:

jennamichaelsmall.jpg 

And here is one of my favorite and most recent pictures of her:

jennasmall.jpg

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11 responses to “Pressing in

  1. ((Hugs)) Sumi. The pictures a so adorable. Sleeping with her best brother is so sweet and pinching her own cheeks made me smile.
    I pray that God will continue to carry you even now.
    Love,
    Lisa

  2. Such beautiful pictures and memories of your sweet girl. I understand what you are feeling. I faced the loss of my youngest son many years ago and struggled much like you are. Over the last few months I was made aware of a blog that I thought might be interesting for you to read. This sweet young mama faced the death of her infant daughter and recorded some of her thoughts and struggles in some beautiful and thought provoking blog posts. http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com/
    I have been and will continue to lift you and your family up to God in prayer.

  3. 1 Thess. 4:13
    But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

    The pastor touched on this verse at Dan’l’s funeral and it really blessed me. You’re pretty much living this verse and it’s an excellent source of reference for this blog. I don’t think it means that we don’t grieve, but that we don’t grieve without hope. We grieve with the hope of seeing Jenna again and in the hope of being resurrected with her in Jesus. I’m proud of you Sumi and my heart hurts with yours.

  4. Dear Sumi,
    You have such sweet memories of your beauty! I love the conversation that you kept of Jenna & the Brothers. It is so sweet. I love hearing your tales & memories of Jenna. I have been so blessed by your love & testimony of Jesus love.

  5. I continue to keep you in my prayers.
    There are no words to ease the pain and I haven’t experienced the loss of a child, but I want you to know I think you are amazing and I love to read your posts and see the pictures of Jenna. I pray you can feel the intercession of prayers being lifted up for you and your family. I shared your blog with my sister and she told me she was all alone at her house weeping loudly for you and with you.
    God will see you through and I pray you have peace & rest & please continue to share the memories of your adorable daughter.
    Love & prayers,
    Valerie

  6. I visit your blog daily, and want you to know that we love you and are lifting you and your precious family up in prayer everyday. I have never met you, but have been so deeply touched by your honesty in sharing your feelings with this blog. You are an amazing inspiration and testament of God’s unfailing love for us. Thank you. I pray that the Lord will wrap his arms around you and bring you comfort during this time.
    Elizabeth

  7. Sumi, you have been such an inspiration to me through all of this. You are an amazing person. I love reading your blog as it truly lifts my spirits and makes me feel close to the Lord. I have enjoyed seeing pictures and reading stories of Jenna and look forward to more. As I look at the last picture you posted I see such a beautiful little angel. I look forward to meeting her someday.

  8. OH, I love the pictures. I’m such a cheek person & just want to kiss and squeeze those! She is just precious Sumi. Your son looks so sweet lying next to her.

    Praying for you sister!
    Love,
    Lelia

  9. Sumi, no words today..just this ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
    ..lifting u up..Love, Sita

  10. I keep coming back and just looking at those precious pictures. They’re so sweet sleeping together. What wonderful memories.

  11. Sumi,
    I just don’t even know what to say. Having a daughter the same age as Jenna, I ache every time I read your pain. I am so sorry for your loss. Each time I start a sentence, I realize it’s not what I want to say. Just know that I am sending my love your way. I know I don’t know you, but you are my sister in Christ. I am still praying for you. ~Carol

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