Conversation with God

Last night, after sitting here at the computer making myself stinking sad reading other blogs of women who had lost their babies, I dragged myself to bed reluctantly. My sleep lately has been interspersed with periods of wakeful reminiscing.

I took Jenna’s memorial picture to the bed-side table with me and kissed it, longing to just run my hands through her hair again or kiss those chubby cheeks or to even peel the bits of skin on her arms that were remnants of a sun-kissed day we spent walking on the farm. I had been compulsively picking at those bits of dead skin the day that picture was taken, to Jenna’s disgust.

Too consumed with longing for my baby to be able to go to sleep, I pulled my bible closer. I started reading where I left it open the night before:

Psalms 103:13 to 17: Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him. For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust. As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth. For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more. But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children’s children,

I started talking to God. Yup, I am dust, I am frail, and I need your mercy, God. I tried to draw near to him.  I have come to know him enough to know that where he is, his mercy is too. Like he always does, he came…and with him a sense of his mercy and goodness. Which opened the floodgates so to speak, as I poured out my heart to him.

This is a hefty one, Lord.  It just about rips me apart. And it’s not just a quick do-what-you-need-to-do-Lord-and-lets-get-this-done-and-over-with kind of  trail. This hole in my heart is going to be with me for the rest of my life.

I started thinking about how people always say that God understands because he gave His own son up for dead once. It must have torn his Father-heart in two to see his son suffer the way he did. I am thankful that Jenna never had to suffer like that. But God, I said (being on a let’s-be-perfectly-honest-with-God roll), I don’t think you can quite compare my situation to yours. You knew that Jesus was going to rise again. And just in 3 days at that. You’d be seperated from Jesus for just a little while and then everything would be OK. I have a life-time to wait, armed  with only a sketchy faith of what heaven might be like. Is that really fair?

As precious as he is he reminds me that he himself is a faith-filled being. He has faith in Himself. It is by that faith that he spoke the world into existence. I can have faith in him too. In fact, the faith I have in him, is his gift to me. I can believe, and because I do, time becomes immaterial. Three days or thirty years…what are they in the scheme of things compared to eternity?

One more thing, Lord…I have this desperate longing to hold Jenna again, but I am afraid because I have no clue what to expect. When I see her again, will she still be my precious little muffin and I her ‘best’ mama? Or will she just be someone I used to know?  I cannot bear the thought that our precious relationship might be lost forever. That is the hardest and most incomprehensible, unbearable burden of all.

As I pondered this it occured to me – though he had to turn his back on his Son for a short while, it wasn’t forever.  The Father didn’t lose his relationship with Jesus after he died, they are still as intimately connected as ever, as a father and son. I have been told that God does not require us to do things he would never do himself. To ask me to step outside of his own boundaries and sever a love and a precious relationship like mine and Jenna’s, when it is something that he with his father-heart would never do and has never done…that doesn’t sound like my God. 

Still, I don’t know everything, and I can only trust. But like a wise man once said (you can read about it here), to know him is to trust him.

If I know anything about God and his generous, faithful heart, there will be more to gain, and precious treasures in store. Even on this side of heaven.

I see your mercy, Lord. Thank you for knowing my frame, and knowing that I am dust. Jenna is gone for now, but your mercy is from everlasting to everlasting,  it reaches to the heavens. I can trust in that.


18 responses to “Conversation with God

  1. OH, Sumi.

    Thank you for being so honest. With my whole heart, I wish that you weren’t going through this, but I know that others will be thrown in your path that have gone through this similar thing, and you will be able to minister to them.

    Hugs that I know won’t help,

  2. Thanks Tanya.

    The hugs do help.

  3. Sumi,
    Thinking of you today on Easter Sunday. This morning before I even got on the computer I was thanking God for newness. Jesus died, but didn’t stay dead. There are things in my life that I can’t wait to see come alive….specific things I’ve been praying for.
    I have read many times in the Psalms about David and how he felt so comfortable crying out to God and pouring his heart out to Him. I love how you are doing the very same thing. I know God understands and He really longs for us to do that very thing. I am so thankful you have Jesus in your heart. Can you even imagine going through this without Him? How do others’ do it?
    I think of you so often and keep you in my prayers.
    My dad has been a preacher for almost 50 years. I’m going to ask him the question about the ones who are in heaven and his thoughts on how our loved ones will know us we we arrive. I can’t help but feel they will. I think we’ll all be in such awe of Jesus that it will be different, but I just feel like they will.
    Love you & praying for peace & His continued presence during this very difficult time.

  4. Dearest Sumi,
    I thank you so much for pouring out your heart. I know this must be so very painful for you. I can only imagine the ways that the Lord will use this tragedy to draw others to Him. Jenna will always be a part of you, you will never forget her. Keep leaning on the Lord and seeking his Mercy. He hears your cries & pain.
    I’m praying for you today. (((Sumi)))

  5. For what it’s worth, happy Easter, Sumi.

    I know this is a hard day for you and your family. Many HUGS and prayers to you all.

  6. Hey Sumi..yet another (HUG)…I’m listening..I’m with u…Love, Sita

  7. This is one of the most beautiful things you have ever written. The tears, as I write are dripping down my cheeks. You have a gift Sumi. This is your ministry. I have never met you, but you have ministered to my spirit with your faithfullness. How blessed for Jenna to have such a shining example of a genuine relationship with Christ. There are people in an entire lifetime that aren’t exposed to that kind of beauty. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. My soul aches with you, I can’t even imagine your hurt, your loss. Please know that there are people out here that love you, are praying for you, and are here to support you. You are talented beyond measure with your writing. I have a daughter, Harlow, who is 3.5 yrs, as I played the clip of sweet Jenna singing, Harlow started singing along as well, I could see in her eyes, her smile, that she just LOVED her singing!! So beautiful!! Bless you always!! You are such an inspiration to me!!
    Prayers to you…

  8. Sumi–I too, have wondered for a long time if the “relationship” that we have with lost loved ones will be the same when we meet in Heaven. My mother died suddenly when I was eight. Now I’m past the age that she died, and I hope I live a long time, but I wonder if she will want to take me in her lap like she always did or will she just give me years’ and years’ worth of hugs and we just sit and talk about everything.

    Sumi, I have a three-and-a-half year old daughter that tells me the same things your Jenna told you. She got mad at me the other day and told me I was a stupid mama. Later that evening, I was cooking something, and she said “Mommy, you’re not a stupid mama at all–you’re the best mama.” I don’t know what I was doing to make her realize I wasn’t stupid. But I thought it was funny.

    You are not grieving alone–my heart just breaks for you when I read your posts and I cry buckets. Your writing is so beautiful, and I love reading it. I will continue to keep you in my prayers, as well as for all mothers who no longer have their children–for whatever reason.

    Peace and blessings–

  9. Sumi–
    I have been wanting to write you but I can not seem to find the words. My heart is just breaking for you and your family. Everytime I just think of Jenna, tears form in my eyes. I read your blog about the robin bird being near and singing, that very day I went home and heard a bird in one of the trees in our front yard, it was a red breasted robin. I followed this bird all around my yard thinking of you and Jenna. When my 8 year old son was in Kindergarten they painted bird houses and we have it nailed to a tree in our back yard and it is where this robin has made a home. I have watched it every day along with it’s mate fly in and out of the house, all the while praying for you and Jenna and your family. This past weekend we had our annual family Easter egg hunt and BBQ. There were children and plastic eggs all over our yard. My 3 year old son just as happy as he could be sitting beneath this tree eating the candy and not hunting eggs. One of the robins came out and sat on the perch just watching my son. As I watched this scene play out, tears streaming out of my eyes, I closed them and pictured Jenna sitting there and I started to pray for your family. I know God has lead me to find this robin family in my yard to remind me you need prayers and encouragement. You are a strong woman, Sumi. You are a blessed woman, a God loving woman, a woman with a hurt so deep but knowing God will see you through this journey. Thank you for sharing your heart with me and so many others. I will be praying for you!
    In His name,
    Beverly in Texas

  10. Much Love and Many Hugs to you Sumi.

    My mail carrier seems determined not to pick up the letter I have written you for some reason so I am just going to take it to the post office myself.

    Until it reaches you though, I want you to know that I am still reading, still praying for you, and sending as much love as possible through the internet.

    I thought of you often yesterday.

    I am so amazed by your honesty and your faith.

    I only wish there was more that could be said or done to ease your broken heart.

    Love you lots.

  11. I have asked and pondered those same “relationship” questions many times, especially with regards to our precious son who we barely got to know here on earth. I have not found an absolute answer, but have come to the place where I KNOW that whatever form our relationships in heaven take they will be perfectly fulfilling and sweet. I can fully trust my Father who is so good to make sure of that.

    Keep conversing with God and putting your trust in Him through this long journey for He truly is faithful.

  12. Just dropping by to give u a hug today…((((((HUGS)))))))
    Love, Sita

  13. I mentioned prayer for you and your family to our small Beth Moore Bible study group last night. These ladies are prayer warriors and will be interceding on your behalf.

  14. Sumi,
    This is so beautiful, as every post is about sweet Jenna. It must be so unreal for you at times to realize you are on a totally different path you were on just a few months ago. God has you in a different place. I’m reading a book right now & actually just kicked off a Bible study on my blog today called Yes to God. We’re reading Lysa TerKeurst’s book, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God. It is amazing what God is teaching me when we say “Yes God. I may not get this right now, but I choose to say Yes with my life.” Keep saying Yes to God Sumi even during the hard times. I just read this today:
    “Being a woman who says yes to God means making the choice to trust Him even when you can’t understand why He requires some of the things He does. It also means that once you’ve said yes to God, you refuse to turn back, even when things get hard.”

    Keep saying “Yes” Sumi. I believe that God is going to continue to use Jenna’s life in more ways then we can even begin to imagine.
    Know you are being loved & lifted up in Nebraska.

  15. Hi Sumi. I’m just checking on you and letting you know I’m still praying for you and your family.


  16. Sumi…remembering you and your family today..(((((HUGS))))) With Love, Thoughts and Prayers, Sita

  17. Dropping by to check on you and your family.

    Love you… lotsa hugs… many prayers.

    ***BIG HUG*** from me in TN. 🙂

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