Nothing much to say

I have either been busy, or the boy has needed the computer, or I have felt that the words have been too jumbled in my brain or there hasn’t been many words at all – hence the silence on my blog. I attempted to write about where I am at just now but the words weren’t coming out right. I will leave it for another time, though by then I expect I will feel differently. This is a strange thing, this grieving business. You never know where you will find yourself a day, an hour, or even 5 minutes down the line.

When people ask me how I am I always say I am fine, or doing OK. I feel a little inner twinge when I reply in this way though, because in reality I am NOT OK. By saying I am fine, I am really saying that I am holding it together and am not unravelling by the fringes.  I am not going looney and I am not quite depressed nor do I find myself quite alone in the darkness. But I am not OK. The fact is, I am walking in this very strange place called grief (I think I said that already 🙂 ) and nothing is going to be normal for a good while.

I am very grateful that my hubby, who is normally not a talker at all, is really open and shares where he is at without reserve.  That is a great blessing to me. He attributes it to the fact that this thing is so much bigger than us, so undefinable, and it is not something you can slap a label on and push into a box. It is such a strange road (I think I said that already)  full of bends and twists and ups and downs that one might as well just blurt out what one is feeling. You are bound to feel differently soon enough anyway.  

Bible school this week has been encouraging because it reminds me that I have a vision… it isn’t just about the here and now which is so tumultuous and unpredictable and downright crazy. There is an expected end, and God is going to do what he has promised.  When I stand there in Bible school as we finish off an evening’s teaching I find myself full of hope that nothing is too big for God and that he is well able to do that work in me that I have asked him to do – even though I have been bold and asked for it all.   

We were driving somewhere this week and this song by Sanctus Real came on the radio. It caught my attention immediately. The chorus goes:

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something Heavenly

I like those words, don’t you? Another part of the chorus says “I’m giving in to something heavenly.” Please pray that this will be true for me, that I will truly yield to what God is doing in me. My tendency is, and has always been, to lose myself in all kinds of distractions whenever the going gets tough. I don’t want to do that now.  I want to be real with God and face up to the challenges that are before me.

 I will be visiting Jenna’s grave for the first time tomorrow, and picking out a grave marker for the site. I am hoping for pink marble. I am hoping that the visit won’t be too hard. My mother in law and a good friend will be accompanying me.

Oh… and I will be going to another baby shower, for another little girl, on Sunday. I dearly want to bless my friend who is having the shower and she said she’d rather have me there, even if I am weepy, than have me stay away.  The last shower had some difficult moments. I’d appreciate some prayer to carry me through the next shower.

Finally, (looks like I didn’t have nothing much to say after all) my heartfelt thanks for all the faithful comments on my blog and the prayers you are sending my way. I read every comment (sometimes more than once 🙂 ) and your prayers mean sooooo much. God bless you!

Oh…last thing…I found another blog that really speaks to me. The details are different but I find Emily’s blog so real, and she expresses my own heart so eloquently. This is one of her archived posts on grieving:

18 responses to “Nothing much to say

  1. Hi Sumi!

    I will be thinking of you and praying for you both for your visit to Jenna’s grave and the upcoming baby shower you mentioned.

    I have a lot going on next week but will try to stop by to say Hello every chance I get!

    Love and Hugs!

  2. Your ‘nothing much’ = His overspill. Thank you for sharing. Praying as you take yet another ‘first’.
    Love, Sita

  3. You should ask for it all, why not? BOLDLY come to His throne of grace.

    Anyway, I added a picture of Jenna on my post about her, but it won’t bother me at all if you’d like me to remove it – just thought I should ask you.

    Did you ever decide what you want the inscription to be on the marker? I’ll be praying for you today.

  4. HUGS, Sumi.

    Our girls are having a wonderful time together, exploring and playing. I KNOW it.

    I so wish you weren’t traveling down this road with me. Grieving is such a personal process and different for everyone and I’m glad you found someone who speaks the words of your heart.

    Please know I’m here to listen, lend a shoulder or anything you feel you may need. I continue to pray for you and your family daily. My heart aches for yours.


  5. Now I have so many thoughts swirling through my mind 🙂

    Grief has it’s very own personality and one can’t always box it into words that make sense, so don’t try. Just share what you want even if it doesn’t make any sense, that isn’t what matters, just the process of learning to deal with it, sharing your grief with others so that they might be encouraged by your words and hear God through you. I know that is what you want and you are doing it, Sumi. You have encouraged many of us over the last weeks and this is your walk right now. Thank you for being willing to share your trials and triumphs with us.

    On another note, one of my pet peeves is when fellow Christians don’t share their grief or problems so that others can see just how the Lord works in their life. We need encouragement and sometimes God speaks to us through others, like he is with you right now.

    God is working on you, and you are becoming stronger in him. I can see it and so can many others. I think that the Lord wants a bit of boldness from us, then he knows we love him enough to want to grow.

    Will be praying.

  6. Still thinking of you… and praying.

  7. Sumi, I just wanted to let you know I will be thinking of you and praying for you as you take another “first” step in grieving. I can’t imagine how hard it will be for you to visit Jenna’s grave.
    I will also be praying for you as you are at the baby shower, such a joyous time for your friend, but so difficult for you.


  8. I don’t always comment, sometimes I can’t bring myself to even read your blog (just too much for my heart to handle some days) but please know that I do pray for you and your family as you walk this road. I take comfort in knowing that while I can’t do more than pray Jesus is walking with you, holding you, carrying you, comforting you, listening to you and is with Jenna as well.

    Thanks for being so open so that He can use you to help others at the same time.

  9. Sumi,
    It’s so good to hear from you.
    I will be keeping you in my prayers all day tomorrow while you’re making this next difficult step. God will be with you and will be your sweet peace. I’ll also remember you on Sunday when you are attending another shower for a little baby girl.
    Love you & continually thinking of you!

  10. ((SUMI))

    This road isn’t an easy one. It is forever changing and a very personal thing. It is frustrating at times how you can go from happy to sad in 3.2 seconds. and vice versa.

    Bold, nah you aren’t being bold you are doing exactly what you are supposed to.

    He wants it all he wants to hear our hearts desires no matter how big or small we may think they seem.

    Keep sharing, you are building a beautiful testimony. You will be able to look back on this and see just how far you have come.

    You give me so much encouragement just from reading your posts.

    I pray for you everyday and I will continue to do so.

    luv ya!

  11. Hi Sumi!
    I know you don’t know me, but I just wanted to tell you that I have been praying for you and your family.
    I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

  12. Oh Sumi…

    I was reading your words, taking them all in, feeling them all in my heart all over again and just KNOWING what you were saying and was about to tell you so… then I saw that something I said moved you? Are you kidding me? You will probably never know how humbled I am, how my heart jumped, or how the tears are filling my eyes to think that my baby girl lead me to have anything at all of substance to write to you as you grieve for your baby girl. Only God. Only God. And He is good. All the time. I cannot wait until we are seated with our girls and meeting each other face to face – the four of us. Until then, we can rest in the peace that comes in knowing that He will complete this work He has begun in us.

    I am on my face for you, sweet friend. I’m just an email (or phone call – if you want me to send my number) away.

    “The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.”
    Psalm 138:8

  13. This is simply a very late night hello and I am still praying for you.
    love and blessings,

  14. Hey Sumi
    I realised that we bloggers shouldn’t read if we aren’t going to comment. It is a lonely place out there blogging if we don’t get feedback.

    Ek dink aan julle. Ek bid vir julle krag toe. Ek is verlig om te sien dat julle nie net aanploeter nie. Jy weet dit was my bekommernis. Ek het selfs ‘n email van Richard gekry. Ek vermoed julle verhouding gaan verander a.g.v. hierdie tragedie. As dit nit doen nie sal ek Richard onderhande neem. Ek wil sien dat jy nie geisoleerd by die huis sit en tob terwyl hy homself in sy werk verloor nie. Laat my weet.

    Hoe gaan dit met jou seuns? Ek wonder veral oor die oudste. Het hy al met iemand gepraat oor hoe hy voel?

    Onthou ons is julle familie hier oppie wesrand. Ons is lief vir julle en ons bid dat Rom 8.28 waar sal wees vir julle.

  15. I just stopped by to say that I am praying for you this morning. I pray God’s comfort on your tender heart.

  16. Hi Sumi!

    Have you heard of Pastor John Piper? His daughter in law recently shared a series on grief that may encourage you. It is

    I will be praying for you as you choose Jenna’s headstone. I remember seeing our son’s Matthew’s headstone for the first time. Sometimes, I wish we were still living in the U.S. so I could visit more often but then again, at times I am glad we are too far away.

    I have a picture of our headstone for Matthew on my (you will have to check the archives) He was 3 months shy of his 3rd birthday when he passed away by accidental drowning in my parents pool 7 years ago. This month my youngest will have surpassed Matthew’s age at death. Bittersweet moments…..

  17. Lifting you up in prayer, Sumi. I hope everything went all right.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s