I have either been busy, or the boy has needed the computer, or I have felt that the words have been too jumbled in my brain or there hasn’t been many words at all – hence the silence on my blog. I attempted to write about where I am at just now but the words weren’t coming out right. I will leave it for another time, though by then I expect I will feel differently. This is a strange thing, this grieving business. You never know where you will find yourself a day, an hour, or even 5 minutes down the line.
When people ask me how I am I always say I am fine, or doing OK. I feel a little inner twinge when I reply in this way though, because in reality I am NOT OK. By saying I am fine, I am really saying that I am holding it together and am not unravelling by the fringes. I am not going looney and I am not quite depressed nor do I find myself quite alone in the darkness. But I am not OK. The fact is, I am walking in this very strange place called grief (I think I said that already 🙂 ) and nothing is going to be normal for a good while.
I am very grateful that my hubby, who is normally not a talker at all, is really open and shares where he is at without reserve. That is a great blessing to me. He attributes it to the fact that this thing is so much bigger than us, so undefinable, and it is not something you can slap a label on and push into a box. It is such a strange road (I think I said that already) full of bends and twists and ups and downs that one might as well just blurt out what one is feeling. You are bound to feel differently soon enough anyway.
Bible school this week has been encouraging because it reminds me that I have a vision… it isn’t just about the here and now which is so tumultuous and unpredictable and downright crazy. There is an expected end, and God is going to do what he has promised. When I stand there in Bible school as we finish off an evening’s teaching I find myself full of hope that nothing is too big for God and that he is well able to do that work in me that I have asked him to do – even though I have been bold and asked for it all.
We were driving somewhere this week and this song by Sanctus Real came on the radio. It caught my attention immediately. The chorus goes:
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something Heavenly
I like those words, don’t you? Another part of the chorus says “I’m giving in to something heavenly.” Please pray that this will be true for me, that I will truly yield to what God is doing in me. My tendency is, and has always been, to lose myself in all kinds of distractions whenever the going gets tough. I don’t want to do that now. I want to be real with God and face up to the challenges that are before me.
I will be visiting Jenna’s grave for the first time tomorrow, and picking out a grave marker for the site. I am hoping for pink marble. I am hoping that the visit won’t be too hard. My mother in law and a good friend will be accompanying me.
Oh… and I will be going to another baby shower, for another little girl, on Sunday. I dearly want to bless my friend who is having the shower and she said she’d rather have me there, even if I am weepy, than have me stay away. The last shower had some difficult moments. I’d appreciate some prayer to carry me through the next shower.
Finally, (looks like I didn’t have nothing much to say after all) my heartfelt thanks for all the faithful comments on my blog and the prayers you are sending my way. I read every comment (sometimes more than once 🙂 ) and your prayers mean sooooo much. God bless you!
Oh…last thing…I found another blog that really speaks to me. The details are different but I find Emily’s blog so real, and she expresses my own heart so eloquently. This is one of her archived posts on grieving: