It’s heavenly

Nothing gives you such a heavenly perspective and a longing to know what heaven is like, as the death of a loved one. Part of me is in heaven – and longs to go to heaven so that I can be made whole. I heard this precious song by Jason Ingram on another blog – he had written it especially for little Copeland. (You can see Copeland’s memorial video featuring this song here)

The words go:

What is it like to be held in the same arms
that hold the universe? 
What is it like to sleep on the chest
of the King of heaven and earth?
When you open your eyes and look on the face
of the Giver of life, the Author of grace
Do you know?

That your days here changed everything,
You’re missed here and will always be
but you’re loved here, the greatest gift of all,
cause our hearts ache for home

What is it like to breathe in and breathe out
without having to fight?
What is it like to be robed in perfection,
no reason to cry
When you feel on your face
your Father’s kiss, his welcome embrace
we prayed for this
you should know…

That your days here changed everything
you’re missed here and will always be
but you’re loved here, the greatest gift of all
cause our hearts ache for home

So twinkle twinkle little star,
we will keep you in our hearts
twinkle twinkle little star,
we will meet you where you are…

He phrased it so perfectly for me…”our hearts ache for home…” I am not depressed, I am not suicidal, I am really, truly doing fine, actually sometimes I worry because I seem to be doing so much better than I had expected. Yet…there are times when I am reminded of my own mortality, such as when I am driving down the road and suddenly realise that I am not wearing a seatbelt. Before, I would have thought: “Oh no, if I were in a car accident now I could die”, and clip it on. Now my thoughts are: “If I had an accident now, I might die. Cool. I might get to see Jenna a bit sooner that I thought.” But… I have a life to live and I know God’s plan is not for me to die just yet. And I clip the seatbelt on.

I have had heaven on my mind a lot lately.

I believe that we can experience moments of ‘heaven here on earth’, which may give us a tiny glimpse of the real thing. Heaven is full of the glory of God, and when I am in a place of glorious worship where the presence of God becomes almost tangible, I can taste heaven in a small way. Those moments are indescribable. They are full of joy and peace, and accompanied by a deep and warm assurance of God’s love. It is because I have experienced those moments that I can say without a shadow of doubt that God is good, merciful, kind, tender, compassionate…the list is endless. I have come to understand that even his judgement, even his chastisement, all flow from a heart that is moved by love. The apostle John said: “God is love.”

Love always seeks an object, and we are the ones over whom God seeks to pour the love that is so part of his character. This gorgeous world we live in was fashioned with us in mind…every leaf, every dainty flower, every spectacular sunset was made for our enjoyment. A God who is so extravagant, who goes to such lengths to show us his love and his glory simply in the nature around us…how much more generous would he be in creating heaven?

It stands to reason that heaven will be filled with everything that is good, everything that is lovely. It will not be a surreal, airy-fairy, other-worldly place either. It will feel like home. Most of all, it will be permeated with that sweet, tender, loving, glorious Presence that I have come to love so much. When I think of Jenna being in that place, right now, as I write this, it brings me so much peace. I know that she feels more vibrantly alive right now than I can ever hope to feel here on this earth. She is truly in a blissful place!

I am sad that she is not here, and I miss her cuteness and her twirly girl-ness. I miss all the pink that used to beautify my laundry basket. I miss the hugs and snuggles and just feeling that little hand in mine. I miss waking up next to her and looking in wonder at the beautiful line of her eyebrows and the perfection of her sleeping face. I miss her songs, and her giggles, and her ‘preachy voice’ when she chastised her brothers. I just miss her.

But I can rejoice too. Much as I’d sometimes like to go to heaven myself and drag her back here, I know that it would be soooooo unfair to her. I pictured her in that place sometime this week and I could only smile. I imagined that she smiled/laughed back at me, with exuberant joy written all over her face.

So…twinkle twinkle my little star…I will meet you where you are…

14 responses to “It’s heavenly

  1. What a truly, beautiful post. I have tears in my eyes. I am so proud of you. Your faith….it just makes me speechless. I could read your words all day. They’re like a balm to my heart; which still aches for you daily.

  2. I’m teary-eyed and sniffly-nosed. . . just from reading your description of Jenna in this post. I miss her too.

  3. Sumi,
    Though I don’t leave a comment each time, I check on here often to see how you’re doing.
    The words to this song are beautiful.
    Heaven is going to be a wonderful place for all of us to spend rejoicing for eternity. Knowing Jenna is in His tender, loving care certainly gives so much hope.
    I pray each day is a tiny bit easier for you. I keep you in my prayers as I can’t even imagine the pain you feel. I pray you continue to feel God’s sweet love & tender mercy surrounding you.
    God bless you!

  4. Sumi, thanks for the beautiful post to remind me to keep my focus on the things of eternity. I have been feeling especially sad lately. I know part of it has to do with Mother’s Day coming up but it still hurts and it helps to know I am not alone on this journey. How I wish I could have a piece of Heaven today…

  5. I no longer fear death. I don’t wish to die, but I know that death brings me Hannah. What a joyful day it will be!


  6. Hey Sumi, I don’t post a lot in your blog but I always read it ad see how your doing. That song is beautiful. Praying for you and your family every day!!

  7. What a beautiful song. It is a beautiful “picture” of heaven’s Hope & Glory. (((Sumi)))

  8. What a beautiful post… your faith and strength is also beautiful! I am still praying… I think of you and Jenna often.

  9. Thank you for sharing your heart. I always come away blessed. My prayers are with you and your family.


  10. Sumi I think of you so often.
    I hope today was peaceful.
    Love Sheye

  11. I have thought of you and prayed for you many times after first finding your story. You write so beautifully, and you honor your sweet girl. I cry for you, with you, and rejoice, too, that she is with Jesus. But I ache for you. My youngest daughter is a little blonde Jenna as well. The thought of WalMart without her…

    Praying that today is one full of joy and hope and peace for you.

  12. Sumi~

    Thanks for following your funny bone to my blog.

    I’m actually speechless right now.

    I hear your pain. I hear the agony in your words. I hear your confusion and your questions.

    I don’t have answers for you. I’m not going to give you a trite, Hallmark response here. I’m not going to throw words of sympathy at you, although I want to…..does it help?

    I want you to know you can visit me and email me and leave comments on my blog as many times a day as you want.

    Truthfully, I cannot imagine losing one of my living children whom I’ve known and loved these many years. I do know the pain of losing a baby…well, 3 babies…..but I’m still here for you. We’re sisters now, by virtue of our grief and sorrow and questions, and trying to love the Lord anyway.

    Please consider my ears and heart open to you anytime.

    Leanne in Longview

  13. The words of the song “Homesick” by MercyMe come to mind–

    “Help me Lord ’cause I don’t understand your ways
    The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
    But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
    ‘Cause I’m still here so far away from home

    In Christ, there are no goodbyes
    And in Christ, there is no end
    So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
    To see you again”

    Your faith is such an inspiration to me, Sumi. I have a great deal to handle, and some days, I think it’s not worth it. But I think of you, and my problems are so small in comparison…so I press on.

  14. When Rhark died I went days without a seatbelt. Wow. It was meaningless at that time. I was lost in sorrow.

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