Another blank-slate post.
I am not happy with myself at the moment. I am in a funk and I seem to be perpetually doomed to always waste time instead of pressing in and applying myself to the things I know I ought to do. It is the story of my life and it is nothing new. It is mind-numbing to sit here in front of my computer screen and read, read, read.
I read all the updates on the blogs I follow on my google reader (that has been a nice time-saver), I read my email, I check to see the latest status of the video camera I bought on ebay and am anxiously awaiting, I pore over Jenna’s pictures, I read the news…and when I am done I often check my reader and emails again in case something has changed. In short, I squander my time.
I don’t want to deal with reality. It is painful. The knowledge that Jenna is gone and won’t be back hits me hard sometimes, and losing myself in my computer is an escape.
I have been giving God a quick wave hello every morning, and a much-too-short-to-be-meaty time spent reading my bible each evening. I know that he is the well-spring of life and the source of every thing I need, including that soothing balm for my cracked and bleeding, broken soul. But I seem to have thrown up walls around me that keep him at an arm’s length. Faithful and kind as he is though, he has been sneaking past my defenses and I can feel him wooing me and beckoning me to return.
Pray for me, please. I would hate to waste this opportunity to know him better and to learn to lean on him in this wilderness.
I am not sure that I always know what is going on in my own heart. Perhaps I am mad at God for letting Jenna leave us. I love Him dearly and I would hate to admit that, even to myself. But it is honest and real and I know God values that. The psalmist said: “He requires truth in the inward parts.” Perhaps I am keeping him at an arm’s length for fear of what might be unearthed if I should let him close and pour out my heart to him at this point. I don’t know. I do know though that I want to take the plunge and throw all caution to the wind and just let him overshadow me. I want to take shelter under his wings again and I want him to birth something in me through this.
The boys and I had a good conversation this evening. My middle boy talked about the fact that God took Jenna because “he wanted her with Him.” I have a problem with that sentiment. It is not a good enough reason for me, because Jenna’s leaving caused us all so much pain and God is not that fickle. I explained to the boy that there had to be a more substantial reason than that, and that God often uses our difficulties for his kingdom purposes. I was trying to think of a bible character to illustrate this point when the youngest piped up and mentioned Joseph in the bible. He had such a rough life – but it was all in preparation for him to become a saviour of sorts, not just to the then known world, but to his own brothers who had forsaken him and sold him into slavery. I told the boys I hoped that this trial in our lives will have the same effect.
A sweet and very well-meaning friend and I had a conversation recently. At first she was surprised to learn that I was struggling as deeply as I was with my grief. I suppose to the casual observer I seem to appear perfectly normal and people who have seen me express my faith and trust in God think I have this thing beat. Not so. Not at all! This is a long-haul thing.
My friend then expressed her belief that Jesus will heal me in his time and restore everything that was lost, just as he did with Job. Truthfully, I am struggling particularly with the idea of restoration. No-one could ever ever replace Jenna, but my heart longs for another girl, a bit of pink in my life, a toddler to tickle and hug and kiss. A daughter to share that special mother-daughter relationship with. I can’t have any more babies – medically speaking. I don’t believe adoption is open to us because we are not US citizens. It seems a hopeless case. But God!
As for healing…my friend’s concept of healing is total freedom and release from the sense of loss that came with Jenna’s passing. I had an inner debate about writing down my thoughts about this. I don’t want to sound dramatic. I don’t like drama, and I am always one to understate what I mean, rather than to use superlatives. But, I don’t think that kind of healing will ever come in my lifetime. This is not a disease that I need to recover from. Something very central, integral to me, a part of my heart, is gone. It will be missed until I see Jenna in heaven again. Time, like my pastor says, will buffer the sense of loss a bit so that it is not so deeply felt all the time. But it will still lurk, underneath the surface, sometimes popping up a bit to remind me that I love and miss Jenna and always will.
Well, my sweet readers, if you have made it so far, thank you. Thank you for letting me pour my heart out so openly and for all your encouraging replies. You all have no idea how much they bless me! May Jesus bless you all and give you a hug from me.
Oh…by the way, I have updated the Jenna page and written down some memories of her there, if you’d like to check it out. 🙂