It feels like ages since I have written! I am still here…but my computer is on the blink. Getting access to hubby’s laptop is not easy since he works on it a lot. I don’t quite have the differences down between his apple/mac and my windows system. I told you, I am quite eeegnoramous when it comes to computers. (Some people don’t believe me, no matter how many times I say that. 😀 )
I am going to have to make this a quick post, but feel like I have lots to say! Let’s see if i can condense it into anything readable.
Somebody mentioned in my comments recently (I LOVE all your comments by the way, they are such a source of comfort to me) that the 3-month mark was a milestone to her. I can relate to that. It really sinks in that Jenna has left us for the rest of our stay here on earth, and that she is not coming back to us.
My middle son is going through a difficult time of missing his sister right now. He was home with her all the time while his brothers were in school and misses her acutely. He expresses the same kind of despair that wants to overwhelm me at times, when I consider that this will be my lot, for the rest of my life. The void that Jenna has left will be with us until we see her again, and the boy asks: “How am I supposed to keep living with that brokenness in my heart?” I know enough about Jesus to know that there will be times of sorrow but that joy will come in the morning. I understand what my son is expressing but I also know that there is a sun beyond those clouds even though I can’t see it. I realise that only a real and living relationship with Jesus can minister hope to his heart right now. I am taking him to see our pastor this afternoon.
It really hits me hard that I have lost my only daughter at the moment. Not only do I miss Jenna as my sweet little muffin, I grieve over the fact that, unless God intervenes (and if that is his plan for us) I will not get to have the precious earthly relationship with a daughter like I have always longed for. I am at a loss for what to do with all Jenna’s girly things. I am not ready to let anything of hers go yet, but should I eventually turn them over to little baby Emma, (Jenna’s best friend Joseph’s sister) whom Jenna would have loved so much, or do I hold on to them in the hopes of one day adopting a little girl of our own?
I do not know what God has for us and I am not going to pre-empt anything. I do not want to create any Ishmaels of my own. Just like we waited for God to bring us our promised Jenna in his time, I will wait to see what the future holds. Though everything in me cries out – I am not young anymore, time is of the essence, I have to act now if this is to become a reality, I refuse to try to build a dream if God isn’t in it. I don’t want to make a fleshly attempt to restore what was lost. God knows where we will be 10 years from now, and if my dream for a daughter is one that must die, so be it.
I was sitting at bible school last night when our pastor said something about the tenderness and compassion of Jesus that ministered to me. I imagined myself in the shoes of the Jesus I know, looking down at me, Sumi, as I go through this trial. If Jesus is everything that is lovely, if he is meek and humble and merciful and tender, I can just imagine his compassion and tenderness towards me through this. He does not willingly afflict the sons of men. I realised again that he has allowed this for a reason, and though I can not see it yet, I know that the end result is everything that is lovely and good. Just knowing who Jesus is assures me of that.