Every little thing…

When I was pregnant with Jenna, Delirious had recently released their World Service album. It was my music of choice in the car and I would often drive to pre-natal appointments with the stereo blaring (Delirious is better LOUD 🙂 ). Since those visits were the only times I would go somewhere in the car on my own, I would often worship along with the music, and those songs came to mean a lot to me. In my mind they somehow became connected with Jenna too, and it became the music I would most associate with her babyhood.

She was just a little sweetpea when we would drive to karate classes, with the pastor’s two kids and my three bouncing along to the tune of “Rain Down”. I wonder what the other motorists thought of us as we joyfully made our way along the road. Sometimes, at stop lights I would pump the brake pedal slightly, making the car “dance”. 🙂

There was one song that her brothers quickly adopted as Jenna’s song. The chorus goes: Every little thing’s gonna be alright, every little thing is gonna be alright… Whenever Jenna was cranky, or if she had a boo-boo, her brothers would be quick to sing the chorus to her. My youngest, in particular, gave it all he had. At times he would sing it with such gusto we would have to hold our ears and tell him to tone it down a little bit, or he would make Jenna cry harder.

The song is probably the weirdest lullaby ever, but it did seem to have a calming effect on the little muffin. Perhaps she remembered hearing it on all those trips to the obstretician’s when she was still in my tummy.

Today, whilst driving in my car, I had a conversation with Jenna in my thoughts. She would always say to me, whenever she wanted to make small talk but didn’t know what to say: “Mom, (contented sigh), it’s a beautiful day.” So that is what I told Jenna in my thoughts. “Jenna, (sigh) it is a beautiful day.” I could picture her being joyously, exuberantly, almost uncontainably happy in heaven. Happy for me too, that I choose to see the beauty in my surroundings despite my pain.

But my thoughts turned to myself. “It’s a beautiful day, but you are not here, and I miss you.”

I considered that Jenna is in heaven now, where she is privy to knowledge I don’t have. She has experienced the goodness, the kindness, the mercy of God on a level I could not even conceive of right now – she is with him! She probably has a fair idea what it will be like when we meet her again. She knows that there will be no sense of lack, or loss then. With such a God, how could there be? (Yet this is something I struggle to grasp since I have such a deep sense of loss now.)  She most likely knows some secrets about me that Jesus has whispered in her ear and she is watching eagerly to see his plan unfold for my life.

With that in mind, I could almost imagine Jenna singing to me:

Every little thing’s gonna be alright,
every little thing is gonna be alright…

When it’s all falling down on you
You’re crying out but you’re breaking in two
When it’s all crashing down on you
When there’s nothing you can do
There is someone who can carry you

Every little thing’s gonna be alright,
every little thing is gonna be alright…

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10 responses to “Every little thing…

  1. that’s sweet . . .

    don’t think I’ve heard that one.

  2. (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))…it must be so hard…

  3. I lied – I have that song on my computer and am listening to it now.

    Sumi says: Dana, you are just too funny. I love you!

  4. (((((HUGS)))))), (((((HUGS))))), ((((((((HUGS))))))), and more (((((HUGS))))).

    Thank you!

  5. Sumi,
    I haven’t been here in a while. I was reading some of the posts I missed and now I am here again, bawling. Partly because I HURT for you. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you must feeling, missing Jenna. I am also crying because I am so incredibly grateful that you take the time to share. I have a strong suspicion that the effect that your posts have on me, have similar effects on others. I cherish every second with my children more than I would have had I not read your blog.
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart from my family to yours and know that you are thought of and prayed for and Jenna has had a beautiful impact on all of us.

    jennifer

  6. I too have music I associate with my sweetie. That is just beautiful and I wish you peace and send you hugs!

    Rachael

  7. I too thank you once again for sharing. I too take an extra moment to just revel in the moments with my two little ones. I have begun to think about and pray for you each time I put the toddler seat down when I am shopping, because of what you shared. Thank you also for sharing about Baby Luke in a previous post. I have been priviledged to pray for his family as well since you shared the link to his story here. I don’t know all the blog etiquette so I hope this is ok. My heart is heavy after reading my Pastor’s blog tonight. His good friend’s little boy drowned last night and he asked for prayers. My mind went to you and how you have ministered to so many through this blog. I hope this does not lay an extra burden on you, but I am sure that your prayers would be appreciated. Here is the link, if you woudl like to read his post: http://pastornoah.blogspot.com/

    May you and your family have a blessed and restful night.

    A “friend” praying for you in MD

  8. Hi, thanks for stopping by, I hardly know what to say… the hurt we feel. I can see that the Lord is carrying you, I seem to still be on the roller coaster. Do you mind if I ask what happen to your little princess? If its too painful, I understand. May the Lord give us grace to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t believe…. it is so hard to look to the things unseen…. Keep in touch!!!
    Cindy (Joel’s mommy)

  9. Thank you so much Sumi. Our whole church is just broken over the loss of this family. I saw your post and I want you to know that you blessed me through it, as I am sure that they will feel loved and held up. It brings tears to my eyes to see how God knits people together in Him and in love for one another, even among strangers across the miles. A real, live, tangible way to see His promise to hold us in the palm of his hand during difficult times. May He continue to do this for you as well as the months pass.

    Have a blessed week!

    Helena

  10. Your blog entered my heart and left it full of a mom’s love.  What beautiful memories you have.  I hope you are writing them down.  I would have given anything to have a Mom and Dad like you two.  You gave your daughter so much and she had the comfort of being loved.  I’m glad you have a song.  My Mom use to sing a “Sunbeam” and a song I don’t know the name of – it went like this, “When I was just a little girl, I asked my Mommy, what would I be. Would I be pretty, would I be rich? Here’s what she said to me. Kaysarasara, whatever would be would be. The future nots mine to see, kaysarasara.”

    I think of that song a lot. My mom took her life because she couldn’t live with the abuse from my father any more. I know what it is like to experience the loss of a parent but not that of a child. I have no idea if my Mom was a Christian. I know the pain will never go away and you are in my prayers. I love to hear you speak of your children.

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