I woke up this morning next to a sleeping curly-haired boy. As I lay there listening to him breathe he thrashed around a bit, and his elbow landed on my arm. It was easy to close my eyes and try to pretend Jenna was sleeping next to me again, in another one of those silly attempts to plug the Jenna-shaped hole in my soul for just a brief moment and feel normal again. It didn’t work, like I knew it wouldn’t. Trying to pretend is futile because I know that is what it is…an illusion.

I always knew it would get hard around this time. It has. I am writing this entry to encourage myself, because for much of today I have been feeling the opposite. Missing Jenna is gnawing a hole in my gut. I have cried more tears today than most.

The weirdest thing is that sometimes I catch my spirit singing, and rejoicing as if I am about to break forth into a dance of joy.  I have learned in bible school that I am made up of soul, body and spirit, and while my soul and body protests Jenna’s death with everything in it, my spirit is at peace. Deep down I know all these things: Jenna is gloriously happy where she is now and she is not missing a thing. Jesus has me in the palm of his hand and one day I will see his glory through this with my own two eyes. I know that one of Gods’ titles is Redeemer and he always lives up to his name.

I was laying in bed just recently calling to mind all the instances I could think of in the bible that deals with God’s redemption/restoration.  I thought about the fact that he is a Father – and any good father is characterised by his giving heart. Fathers work impossible hours, just so that all the benefit could go to their families. They seek the best for their children and would pour out everything they have to protect, nurture and guide their families. Fathers are givers and my Father God is no exception. “For God so loved the world that he gave…”

I know my Father God has a generous heart. So…why did he take Jenna away from me? I don’t know the answer to that question but I know him enough to trust that (like my friend Phyllis said) he didn’t take her to rob me, but to give me something.

Every single bible character that I thought of who had lost something dear had a far greater recompense at the end. David lost his first baby by Bathsheba, but the second one became a Solomon! Joseph lost many years being a slave and a prisoner. But he gained back all he had lost, including his family, and became a ruler and a deliverer of his people. Everything Job had lost was restored in a much greater measure. Adam and Eve got Seth to replace Abel. Ruth found her Boaz, Hannah her Samuel, and Mephibosheth his undeserved grace at the king’s table.

Even Jesus, who was denied an earthly wife will have a bride in heaven!

My God restores. How, when, where I do not know. I may have to wait until I get to heaven to see it, as he wipes away every tear from my eyes. But I believe this much: he will be generous. What I gain will go beyond what I have lost , because that is who my God is.

I absolutely can’t wait to see Jenna again and every day that passes is a day closer to that wonderful moment. (Bring it on, Jesus!) At the same time I am looking forward to seeing what else my Father God is hiding in his bosom for me.

 Hosea 6:1 Come, and let us return unto the LORD: for he hath torn, and he will heal us; he hath smitten, and he will bind us up. After two days will he revive us: in the third day he will raise us up, and we shall live in his sight.


15 responses to “Restoration

  1. So beautiful, I want to believe everything you wrote, why do I find it hard to believe sometimes, I do not know…. What demonstration of faith…. thank you for giving me hope through your words, that another heart hurts and can see the light in the darkness….
    You have blessed me tonight!!!

  2. Prayers for you Sumi. May God grant you strength and bring you soon to the day when you will have more balance with your body, soul and spirit. I see Him standing there, holding you tight and grieving with you. He’s not the giver of pain but the creator of life and longs to restore you.

    I was off to bed when I thought I’d just get on the computer for one other minute… I’m praying for you!

  3. Hi Sumi, Just stopping by to tell you I have you in my heart.

  4. Big HUGS, friend.

    I understand everything you’ve said including every day passed being another day closer to Jenna. I feel the SAME way. :o)


  5. Thank you……….I needed this reminder of God’s generousity this morning!

  6. Hi Sumi,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You mentioned that writing helps encourage you but I want you to know that at the same time it blesses so many of us. I’m in the middle of a book called “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn and it has been such a blessing. It’s a book about what Heaven is like supported by scripture. There are so many things that I never realized about Heaven until I started reading this book. How our loved ones who have gone before us are in the intermediate Heaven and how they are aware of what goes on here on earth. He supports all his findings with scripture. Truly a blessing and a comfort to know that my loved ones know I miss and long to see them some day. I hold you in my prayers, Sumi.


  7. Praying for you today, Sumi! Big HUGS to all of you.

  8. wow – so encouraging!

    thank you

  9. You have a wonderful gift & insight. Thanks for sharing it.

  10. Sumi,
    You have a beautiful way with words. I remember all of the feelings you are feeling, and sometimes I am still overwhelmed by them. It will be 2 years since my son “moved” to heaven. I wanted to concur with Sandra. The “Heaven” book by Randy Alcorn literally got me through the first 3 months after his death. It is so encouraging to know what they know (even if it is dimly) and experience a bit of what it must be like for them. It’s enlightening and encouraging. Recently I have also read a fictional book, “The Shack” that was very thought provoking and helped me to see death in a different kind of light. It would be worth reading.

  11. I have been thinking about you a lot lately. You are always on my mind and in my heart…Big Hugs and lots of Prayers~Heather

  12. Hi Sumi
    I came across your blog a couple of weeks ago, and I was in tears. I have always had a fear of one of my children dying, and how I would respond to it. I fear that I would turn away from God, but after reading your blog it has been so amazing and encouraging to see the way you have found comfort in Him and in knowing Jenna is in Heaven with Him. I have also been blown away by Randy Alcorn’s book Heaven, it made me see death and heaven in such a different light, our sinless life with Him is so close, heaven is so close to each one of us, life is so short – it so inspiring to see you cling on to that hope. I too can’t wait to see my beautiful mother in heaven, and my 4 miscarried brothers and sisters. Thanks for all your honesty and for keeping close to Him during such a painful time.
    Love Felicity

  13. I just wanted to let you know I was here. I am truly sorry for your loss. I am intrigued and inspired by the faith you convey in your beautiful writing.

    I wish you peace.

  14. Sumi ~ I don’t comment often but stop by regularly, and I generally am reading through tears by the end of each post. Hubby will come in and ask what’s wrong, and I’ll say, “I was just reading Sumi’s blog.” I think of you and your family often and appreciate your openness in presenting your raw feelings; you’re an inspiration! By the way, I second–or third–everyone’s endorsement of Alcorn’s book on “Heaven.” If you haven’t read it yet, I think it might bring a lot of comfort to you. I pray that your hubby’s Father’s Day was good and that he enjoyed your boys to the fullest! ~Katy

  15. Your writing is so honest and moving… I prayed for you all on Father’s Day.

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