I really lost it with the younger two on Monday morning while getting ready to take them to camp. We had overslept and I was not ready to take the blame for it. I was grumbly and mad at hubby for not giving me the wake-up call he had promised (meanwhile the Lord had woken me up but I thought it was still early enough to linger in bed) and the boys weren’t being as independent as I expected them to be. It seems like there is always some issue or another for me to deal with when I am late. Anyhow, I had to repent to the boys and the hubby for my stinky attitude.
I was standing in the kitchen that evening talking to the oldest about it. I told him how sorry I was for my bad behaviour in the morning. “Actually, I don’t get how you lost it like that, mom”, he said. Uh-oh, I think, he’s going to rap me over the knuckles for overreacting to such an insignificant thing. “Because”, he continued, “you barely have anything to lose in the first place.”
Hmmmmmm. Very funny. Hahaha.
I told him what I thought about that. My comment was violent but not so silent. It was a terribly un-ladylike way to answer him, but sadly that is what can happen when you live in a house full of boys. You tend to learn the lingo. “Hahaha mom, very funny,” he said, and proceeded to make the same noise come out of the bottle of ketchup he was squeezing. “And this is my comment to that”, he said.
I just love having these little intellectual conversations with my son.
On to another note…thank you all for praying for the hubby on Father’s Day. His day started out fine but he got sadder as the day progressed. He was imagining what he would do if we had Jenna with us again, how he would just hold her and love on her and never let her go. I gave him one of those recordable cards and managed to get Jenna’s little voice exclaiming: “Daddy!” on there, followed by my boys all saying “Happy Father’s Day”, and ending off with Jenna saying: “Daddy’s home!” I pulled it off a video I took one night showing Jenna’s excitement when her daddy came home.
I made him another card from his little girl, with a letter inside from Jenna in heaven. She had painted a picture of her daddy in gold paint in November, and I wrote down what she said as she painted it because it sounded so cute: “Daddy will be so happy I made him sparkles.”
In the letter Jenna told her daddy that Jesus is very sparkly, and that he was going to make her daddy sparkly too, just like himself, and that she was so excited to see it. She told him how happy she would be to see him again. It made him tear up but I am so glad I thought about making him the card.
Yesterday, some friends and family and I went to the cemetery for a picnic to remember Jenna’s last day with us. It was the 4 month anniversary of her passing. We ate some of Jenna’s favorite snacks and let some balloons go. It was a much less difficult day than the previous anniversary, when I didn’t have anything to do for Jenna yet my heart was crying out to remember her in some way. I am grateful that I was able to do it this time around, and that I have such sweet friends who care enough to make the time to honor Jenna with me.
When I mentioned our picnic at the cemetery to another friend she seemed surprised. I got the impression that she thought that remembering Jenna’s passing on a monthly basis is a lot. I explained to her, and teared up quite a bit as I did so, that once a month is a drop in the bucket. I think about Jenna all. the. time. Not a day goes by that I am not aware of the gaping void she left. My love for her cannot be expressed in all the little ways one takes for granted when your loved one is with you. All I can do is blow kisses to Jenna in heaven every day and take her some flowers and trinkets when I have the gas money and the time. A picnic once a month is tiny, in comparison to how much time and love I would shower on Jenna if she were here.
Right now I am tired and though I am unhappy with the randomness of this entry and the mundane-ness of it, I am going to hit the publish button. I have at least 3 other drafts that I wrote in the last week and haven’t published. Silly me.