Randomly,

I really lost it with the younger two on Monday morning while getting ready to take them to camp. We had overslept and I was not ready to take the blame for it. I was grumbly and mad at hubby for not giving me the wake-up call he had promised (meanwhile the Lord had woken me up but I thought it was still early enough to linger in bed) and the boys weren’t being as independent as I expected them to be. It seems like there is always some issue or another for me to deal with when I am late. Anyhow, I had to repent to the boys and the hubby for my stinky attitude.

I was standing in the kitchen that evening talking to the oldest about it. I told him how sorry I was for my bad behaviour in the morning. “Actually, I don’t get how you lost it like that, mom”, he said. Uh-oh, I think, he’s going to rap me over the knuckles for overreacting to such an insignificant thing. “Because”, he continued, “you barely have anything to lose in the first place.”

Hmmmmmm. Very funny. Hahaha.

I told him what I thought about that. My comment was violent but not so silent. It was a terribly un-ladylike way to answer him, but sadly that is what can happen when you live in a house full of boys. You tend to learn the lingo. “Hahaha mom, very funny,” he said, and proceeded to make the same noise come out of the bottle of ketchup he was squeezing. “And this is my comment to that”, he said.

I just love having these little intellectual conversations with my son.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On to another note…thank you all for praying for the hubby on Father’s Day. His day started out fine but he got sadder as the day progressed. He was imagining what he would do if we had Jenna with us again, how he would just hold her and love on her and never let her go. I gave him one of those recordable cards and managed to get Jenna’s little voice exclaiming: “Daddy!” on there, followed by my boys all saying “Happy Father’s Day”, and ending off with Jenna saying: “Daddy’s home!” I pulled it off a video I took one night showing Jenna’s excitement when her daddy came home.

I made him another card from his little girl, with a letter inside from Jenna in heaven. She had painted a picture of her daddy in gold paint in November, and I wrote down what she said as she painted it because it sounded so cute: “Daddy will be so happy I made him sparkles.”

In the letter Jenna told her daddy that Jesus is very sparkly, and that he was going to make her daddy sparkly too, just like himself, and that she was so excited to see it. She told him how happy she would be to see him again. It made him tear up but I am so glad I thought about making him the card.

Yesterday, some friends and family and I went to the cemetery for a picnic to remember Jenna’s last day with us. It was the 4 month anniversary of her passing. We ate some of Jenna’s favorite snacks and let some balloons go. It was a much less difficult day than the previous anniversary, when I didn’t have anything to do for Jenna yet my heart was crying out to remember her in some way. I am grateful that I was able to do it this time around, and that I have such sweet friends who care enough to make the time to honor Jenna with me.

When I mentioned our picnic at the cemetery to another friend she seemed surprised. I got the impression that she thought that remembering Jenna’s passing on a monthly basis is a lot. I explained to her, and teared up quite a bit as I did so, that once a month is a drop in the bucket. I think about Jenna all. the. time. Not a day goes by that I am not aware of the gaping void she left. My love for her cannot be expressed in all the little ways one takes for granted when your loved one is with you. All I can do is blow kisses to Jenna in heaven every day and take her some flowers and trinkets when I have the gas money and the time. A picnic once a month is tiny, in comparison to how much time and love I would shower on Jenna if she were here.

Right now I am tired and though I am unhappy with the randomness of this entry and the mundane-ness of it, I am going to hit the publish button. I have at least 3 other drafts that I wrote in the last week and haven’t published. Silly me.

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13 responses to “Randomly,

  1. I had never considered how um, noisy, a house full of boys would be. I had to chuckle at your exchange with oldest boy. Hee hee!

    I’m glad to hear you and hubby managed to make it through Sunday. My prayers were certainly with you. I’m also happy you got to not only visit with Jenna, but had wonderful friends to go with you. How blessed you are.

    Many hugs and prayers, as always, Sumi.
    Rachael

  2. What a precious idea the Father’s Day card was! I’m sure your hubby will treasure being able to hear Jenna’s voice on it, just as I’m sure you both do with the videos you have. I can’t imagine how hard Sunday was for him, but I’m glad you both made it through.

    I think your picnics with/for Jenna each month are beautiful. I think it’s incredibly thoughtful of your friends to join you. šŸ™‚

    Praying for you today, my friend.

  3. Conversations with boys are never the same as those with girls. I’m glad that your boys are forgiving of your blowups – it demonstrates the love and affection as well as understanding that your relationship with them has.

    I’m glad that Father’s Day went well and your picnic brought you a measure of comfort.

  4. I can totally relate about a house full of boys. I have three rambunctious boys that can be very loving and at the same do some very disgusting things that I don’t ever remember by daughter (she’s now 18) doing.

    I think it’s wonderful that you visit Jenna every chance you get.

    Blessings,
    Sandra

  5. Hi Sumi,
    Well, I certainly know what you mean when you talk about the mundane and life just being almost dull, because of the dull ache size hole in our hearts. We seem to sometimes just be existing, moving from one thing to the next. I think its wonderful that you celebrate a day at the cemetary. For me as well, every month on the 23rd, I seem to want to do something special for Joel, many of the poems I have written have been posted on that date, I just have to DO something for him. Like you, I have tendencies to want to continue to but things for Joel, for me to keep connected, I really do not care what people think, thats just one of the ways the grief comes out. I have been reading a book, Disappointed with God, by Phillip Yancey (sp) It has been very encouraging and thought provoking. It stimulated my faith. Maybe you could get hold of it. I wish there was a “fix” for all this pain, there is comfort sure, but like it said in the book, the knowledge is passive where the pain and heartache is active so it seems like an uneven scale, yet I believe the WORD can fill that hole UNTIL we get it filled by seeing our little ones again. Keep putting one foot in front of the other…..
    Cindy Morris
    http://www.weloveyoujoel.blogspot.com

  6. Sumi,

    What a beautiful day of celebration of Jenna’s life. It totally makes sense to me. Today is two months since Chloe was delivered. Today is easier than it was on the one month anniversary and that reminds me that there will always be a hole in my life, but it will become more bearable as I walk through the pain and grieve the loss.

    Our girls will always hold a special place in our hearts that others just can’t understand unless they have walked this road. I don’t get angry or upset when they don’t understand; I just recognize that I need to connect with women who do know how it feels…how I feel. You are one of those women.

    The card you wrote for Jenna’s daddy is precious. What a great idea. I think I will do that for Chloe’s daddy too. She will always be with us.

    On a side note, I’ve been meaning to mention this but I keep forgetting. I was able to visit South Africa in 2000 with Women of Faith and it was an incredible trip. I loved visiting your country!!! So many amazing and incredible memories that I still treasure. The trip of a lifetime. I hope to be able to return.

    You are in my prayers.

    Have a blessed day,
    Kirsten

  7. my heart is breaking reading this. You are in my prayers.

  8. You are very thoughtful to do something special for your husband *from* Jenna. I wish I had done something like that……

  9. I adore the Father’s Day gift idea—that is a precious way to remember all your children.

    I am thankful you wrote about the friend who failed to realize the significance of the monthly anniversaries. Your reply was beautiful. My husband recently exchanged emails with a friend around the same topic and it really didn’t sit well with either one of us. I’d like to forward him your explanation.

  10. I am so glad that you have such supportive friends. That is awesome that they would go with you to picnic. And you said it well. If they were here with us. We could tell them in person how much they mean to us whenever we wanted to. Instead we have to settle for picnic’s at a grave side and balloon releases and little stuffed animals that we can attach and hope that the wind and rain doesn’t blow off. That is what we have left in this life anyway. We will see our children again. But, until then this is what we have. Sorry you know I like to just go on and on and on.

    The Father’s day gift is awesome. And a real treasure. I have tears from that one. I just can’t express what I want to say in words. Awesome!

  11. yeah, I used to be one of those people who would have thought recognizing the day of a loved one’s death monthly would have been excessive…until I had been given two days like that of my own to recognize.

    oh, the hard lessons some of us have to learn…

  12. Hi Sumi,
    I am in a camper right now and everyone is sleeping except for me so I thought I would get caught up on my blog reading.

    I still remember my Emma every month on the 21st even after almost three years. I have a friend who takes me to lunch every month on that date if it is at all possible. It means the world to me that she remembers and gives me permission to just feel whatever it is I feel that day. Sometimes it is harder than other times.

    I am the ultimate people pleaser but when Emma died I gave myself the freedom to stop worrying about others’ opinions and just grieve the way I needed to do it and I am so glad I did that. I don’t know where I would be in the process if I had tried to do it the way others thought I should. No one can tell you how to do it. Sadly, it is a road you have to pave yourself. Please don’t let the judgements of others, no matter how well-intentioned, cloud your vision. Only you can know your own heart. The rest of us can only be there when you need us and pray our hearts out! I’m still here when you are ready to get together.

  13. On the once-a-month thing, I was just thinking today–on the way home from my very first cemetery visit since Steve’s death–how I guess counting by months is SOME kind of progress. At first, you count in days. Then, I counted in weeks AND months. Now, I’ve lost track of the weeks (after about 11) and am just in months. Three months. You do that for a while and then it becomes a year, eighteen months, two years…three years…four years…and on.

    Thank you for visiting my blog and please know my heart goes out to you on the loss of your princess. She looks adorable and I know the void would be huge. You know I can understand the grief and heart-break, even though not your specific loss or journey. Trudging the road right along with you…

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