I keep writing posts that I am not publishing right now, for some silly reason. The last one was too long, I thought, so I didn’t share it. (I might still publish it sometime.) I am saving all these drafts, because even though they are not visible to all of you, they are to me and I could re-visit them a year or more from now and be reminded of these days.
Another reason I haven’t posted is because I feel my posts are just really mundane at the moment and not worthy to be shared. As I sit here right now, all the interesting thoughts I could have possible shared here on this little corner of the web have mysteriously left my brain. Seriously. I had a really good blog entry forming in my head earlier today. Can I remember any of it now? Nope!
Perhaps I am starting to succumb to the pressure to give you all something ‘good’ to read. Not that anyone has put any pressure on me in any way, but because my blog stats have been rising steadily. All of a sudden I feel like my posts need to measure up to some kind of standard, so that people will get their proverbial money’s worth when they come here.
Sigh. How silly of me! I started this blog for me. Jenna’s death changed the dynamic of it somewhat and it has since become a place where I could keep my friends and family informed on how I am doing, as well a simply a place for me to blab and blurt out my thoughts. It was a great processing center in the early days, as I struggled to re-define my relationship with Jenna after she went heaven. It has served to encourage me too, as I have pondered on the greatness and faithfulness and generosity of my God, and his plans for me.
Much as I love the comments and the visitors, that is really not what it is about. I am just going to keep it real. Sooooo, if my posts are boring, I apologise. If they are too long, sorry. If they are not sad enough, happy enough, hopeful enough, despairing enough, profound enough, mundane enough…please forgive me. If it weren’t for the searches I get for ‘Sumi’s Corner’ on the web I might have considered changing the name of the blog to ‘Sumi’s Blurbs’ or something like that. (I just love the word ‘blurb’, don’t you? it sounds soooo….blurbish.) My son has always told me ‘Sumi’s Corner’ is a lame name anyway. 😀
Generally speaking, I am doing fine. Not a day goes by that I don’t shed a few tears for Jenna (I told hubby in the car the other day that putting on mascara for church is a waste of time), but I am sleeping better at night and slowly moving on. I packed away some of Jenna’s things over the weekend, and this morning I even considered selling some of the clothes I had collected for her on Ebay.
I started shopping for Jenna from the moment I knew she was a girl. Through the years, I would visit yard sales and consignment stores and snap up everything that was a gorgeous bargain. I have a huge bag of clothes from size 3 to around size 6 that were still too big for Jenna. Since she hadn’t officially worn them yet, I thought I wouldn’t find it too hard to part with them. As I laid them out on my bed this morning though, memories came flooding back of the many times Jenna and I had oohed and aahed over that bag of clothes together and I just couldn’t do it. There are a couple of 4T dresses in the bag that Jenna had tried on and twirled around in, admiring herself in the mirror. They were much too big for her at the time but she still had fun with them.
Sooooo….the bag is back in it’s place in my closet. Maybe another time.
Bible school is back in session again after a two week break and I am loving it, the middle boy is being tested as part of his homeschooling requirements on Thursday (Eeeek! Please pray, we have had a tough school year) and next week a friend from Bolivia will be staying here for a while. Meanwhile I am praying and hoping for some changes to come about next year, which I will share with you as I know more. Life goes on.
I must say that lately it has been hard for me to see all the young moms at church with their babies in their arms while my arms are empty. I just miss Jenna’s toddler-cuddliness. I didn’t feel it as strongly initially, but both on Friday and Sunday I had such a yearning to just hold a baby. I asked my friend Sarah if I could hold her little peanut and promptly started crying as I held that precious, precious little bundle. I remember holding Jenna when she was that little and all the hopes and dreams I had for her then, that are now deferred.
I do not say those hopes are extinguished because I believe God will restore. We just have to wait a little bit to see it. I was talking to a friend about the reward I believe Jenna will get in heaven because her short life availed so much for the kingdom’s sake and she exclaimed: “It will be the ultimate princess party!” I just loved that. 🙂 Yes, Jenna will have a princess party in heaven to get her crown from Jesus and I will be one proud mommy to witness it.
I know on that day I will not miss a thing.