Just me, talking.

I keep writing posts that I am not publishing right now, for some silly reason. The last one was too long, I thought, so I didn’t share it. (I might still publish it sometime.) I am saving all these drafts, because even though they are not visible to all of you, they are to me and I could re-visit them a year or more from now and be reminded of these days.

Another reason I haven’t posted is because I feel my posts are just really mundane at the moment and not worthy to be shared. As I sit here right now,  all the interesting thoughts I could have possible shared here on this little corner of the web have mysteriously left my brain. Seriously. I had a really good blog entry forming in my head earlier today. Can I remember any of it now? Nope!

Perhaps I am starting to succumb to the pressure to give you all something ‘good’ to read. Not that anyone has put any pressure on me in any way, but because my blog stats have been rising steadily. All of a sudden I feel like my posts need to measure up to some kind of standard, so that people will get their proverbial money’s worth when they come here.

Sigh. How silly of me! I started this blog for me. Jenna’s death changed the dynamic of it somewhat and it has since become a place where I could keep my friends and family informed on how I am doing, as well a simply a place for me to blab and blurt out my thoughts. It was a great processing center in the early days, as I struggled to re-define my relationship with Jenna after she went heaven. It has served to encourage me too, as I have pondered on the greatness and faithfulness and generosity of my God, and his plans for me.

Much as I love the comments and the visitors, that is really not what it is about.  I am just going to keep it real. Sooooo, if my posts are boring, I apologise. If they are too long, sorry. If they are not sad enough, happy enough, hopeful enough, despairing enough, profound enough, mundane enough…please forgive me.  If it weren’t for the searches I get for ‘Sumi’s Corner’ on the web I might have considered changing the name of the blog to ‘Sumi’s Blurbs’ or something like that. (I just love the word ‘blurb’, don’t you? it sounds soooo….blurbish.) My son has always told me ‘Sumi’s Corner’ is a lame name anyway. 😀 

Generally speaking, I am doing fine. Not a day goes by that I don’t shed a few tears for Jenna (I told hubby in the car the other day that putting on mascara for church is a waste of time), but I am sleeping better at night and slowly moving on. I packed away some of Jenna’s things over the weekend, and this morning I even considered selling some of the clothes I had collected for her on Ebay.

I started shopping for Jenna from the moment I knew she was a girl. Through the years, I would visit yard sales and consignment stores and snap up everything that was a gorgeous bargain. I have a huge bag of clothes from size 3 to around size 6 that were still too big for Jenna. Since she hadn’t officially worn them yet, I thought I wouldn’t find it too hard to part with them. As I laid them out on my bed this morning though, memories came flooding back of the many times Jenna and I had oohed and aahed over that bag of clothes together and I just couldn’t do it. There are a couple of 4T dresses in the bag that Jenna had tried on and twirled around in, admiring herself in the mirror. They were much too big for her at the time but she still had fun with them.

Sooooo….the bag is back in it’s place in my closet. Maybe another time.

Bible school is back in session again after a two week break and I am loving it, the middle boy is being tested as part of his homeschooling requirements on Thursday (Eeeek! Please pray, we have had a tough school year) and next week a friend from Bolivia will be staying here for a while. Meanwhile I am praying and hoping for some changes to come about next year, which I will share with you as I know more. Life goes on.

I must say that lately it has been hard for me to see all the young moms at church with their babies in their arms while my arms are empty. I just miss Jenna’s toddler-cuddliness. I didn’t feel it as strongly initially, but both on Friday and Sunday I had such a yearning to just hold a baby.  I asked my friend Sarah if I could hold her little peanut and promptly started crying as I held that precious, precious little bundle. I remember holding Jenna when she was that little and all the hopes and dreams I had for her then, that are now deferred.  

I do not say those hopes are extinguished because I believe God will restore. We just have to wait a little bit to see it. I was talking to a friend about the reward I believe Jenna will get in heaven because her short life availed so much for the kingdom’s sake and she exclaimed: “It will be the ultimate princess party!” I just loved that. 🙂  Yes, Jenna will have a princess party in heaven to get her crown from Jesus and I will be one proud mommy to witness it.

I know on that day I will not miss a thing.

 

 

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9 responses to “Just me, talking.

  1. My blog is simply for me, my journal. I LOVE my commenters and the love and support that comes from everyone, but ultimately, it’s *my* blog about *my* life. If that’s boring to some, so be it. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I understand what you were writing.

    As for the rest, my prayers for you, Sumi. Big Hugs!
    Rachael

  2. Hi Sumi. I just wanted to let you know that I really look forward to your posts. I have you on my blog as one that I visit. I think what I love about your posts is that they are so real and also that your faith is just amazing to me. So although you might feel that they may be mundane, it is really the opposite. I happened to catch your previous post that you had talked about before you deleted it. It was wonderful. You have made me realize that anything can happen, and to not take my children for granted. There’s another lady in this “blog world” who has also lost her daughter last year. She was the same age as Jenna. You might have heard of her blog (Sheye Rosemeyer, her daughter that had passed is named Ava). Anywho, her story is also so heartbreaking, but the contrast with her story and yours is that you and your family have a relationship with the Lord, and you know that you know, that you know that Jenna is in heaven and you will see her again one day. My heart is heavy for this other mother because she feels “this is it.” I commented on her blog and gave her the link to your blog in hopes that she will see a glimpse of hope with Jesus. Anywho…I know I’m going on and on. I just wanted to post a comment because I visit your blog regularly. God bless you, and I will continue to pray for you and your family. Alicia (in California)

  3. I think it is important for you to just do what you need to do and not worry if someone thinks it is one way or the other. Like you said it is for you and your family and for people who want to check and see how you are doing. ((HUGS))

  4. While your posts may not be response driven, I nevertheless feel the need to thank you for sharing so honestly all that you’ve shared but mostly to let you know that I continue to be inspired by your words.

    Through Jenna, you have strengthened by faith and my testimony and for that I am eterally grateful.

  5. Sumi,
    I just want you to know that I read every time you post.

    I remember when you were pregnant with Jenna.

    I remember.

  6. all I ever really expect when reading your blog is to find you for who you are – and I’m never disappointed!!

  7. I know for me Sumi, writing just allows the process of grieving to flow, it is so encouraging to read how others are “making it.” It is evident of his mighty grace in your heart! Thinking of you so much…..
    Cindy
    http://www.weloveyoujoel.blogspot.com

  8. your words continue to minister to me. even the mundane. which aren’t really. mundane is a restful place sometimes. i love you. jan

  9. Ah, the talk of never worn clothing made me smile. I still cannot help but walk into a store a go to the little boys’ section–there is a part of me that thinks maybe, if I can find just the right shirt, I’ll go home to find Jakie…

    thinking of you.

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