With hope

I lost my way a little bit just this last week or two. Over and above the grief I have been walking with, I lost my hope. That is a double whammy. Grief is hard to handle, and exhausting at the best of times. Hopeless grief knocks you to the floor and tries to keep you there.

Steven Curtis Chapman has a song out that talks about how we “grieve with hope” because we know our goodbyes are not the end. The song talks about our heavenly hope of meeting our beloved ones again, and it is a blessed one! But to be honest with you all, that hope (great as it is) is not enough for me. I have a life time stretching before me, and the reality of our heavenly hope doesn’t completely erase the Jenna-sized hole in my heart. I miss her right now and I have to deal with it now.

The bible says “hope deferred makes the heart sick”. My heart is sick if I cannot find hope for today.

I so want God to do a great and lasting work in my heart for his kingdom’s sake. I want him to make me into a vessel that is so emptied of me and so full of him, that I will be able to give those who are hungry and thirsty a taste of Jesus. That is my hope and my vision, and I lost sight of it this week. 

Jenna’s death seems like such a tragic waste if I don’t allow the pain to make me more like Jesus! 
This week I took a placebo for the pain and withdrew into Sumi-land.  I checked out of reality, and filled my hours with senseless and non-productive things. None of them were really ‘sinful’ per se, but they drew me away from Jesus and more worthwhile things and I hated that. When I got discouraged with myself for falling into that pattern, hopelessness was born.

What I forgot when I gave in to hopelessness, is who Jesus is. I once did a word study on the meaning of Jesus’ name in the Hebrew. Many of you will know that it is a compound word made up of the words Yehovah, and the Hebrew word for “saves”. If you dig into the root word though, you see that by “saves” he means: to make open, wide or free. To avenge, to defend, to help, to preserve, to rescue, to make safe,  to bring salvation, to give victory, to make prosperous.

This, friends, is who Jesus is, and what he wants to bring about in all of our lives, for the here and now. He is our helper and not our enemy. His hearts’ desire is to see us prosper in a free and wide place, victorious over all the sin that so easily besets us. Oh, he is so merciful! How could I forget how much my God is “for me and not against me”?

He wants for me what I want for myself, and he is right here beside me with everything I need to make it! If I will simply yoke myself to him and walk with him I will find my way again. The word yoke means ‘to join, or to couple together.’ When I join myself to Jesus I find that the burden I carry is shared and that I am a blessed partaker of everything that Jesus has for me. His yoke truly is easy, and the burden of going his way and not mine, is a light one indeed.  

With hope,


10 responses to “With hope

  1. Hi Sumi. When I read your post, I immediately thought of the song “All Who Are Thirsty.” I’m sure you know the song, but if not, here are the words.

    All who are thirsty
    All who are weak
    Come to the fountain
    Dip your heart in the stream of life
    Let the pain and the sorrow
    Be washed away
    In the waves of his mercy
    As deep cries out to deep (we sing)

    Come Lord Jesus come

    Holy Spirit come

    As deep cries out to deep

  2. O, Sumi, I wished somehow the waves would not be so often too, I am so glad you have looked up from whence cometh your help. You are so right, we must think who Jesus is, his person, his attributes, his character. It is so wonderful that our husbands are so strong for us, how we need their bulwark faith and hope when we are weak. May the Lord continue to manifest his person to you as (we) travel on this journey.
    Blessings to you!!!
    Cindy Morris

  3. 1hot&tiredmama

    I’m stopping to say that I know this is so hard for you, but your struggle is really making me appreciate my own children. You are being so brave to share your grief with us and I know it makes me really grateful to be able to kiss the heads of all of my children. It really puts things in perspective for me.

    Did you know that Steven Curtis Chapman lost a daughter in a tragic accident in May? It just really struck me that his song was comforting you and he too is going through such grief of his own right now. He has a foundation that is helping families adopt orphans from all over the world. It helps offset the cost of adoption. The family is asking for donations to that organization in memory of their daughter. Anyway — not sure why I’m throwing this out there — it just popped into my head while I was reading your post. Maybe getting involved in something like his organization would help heal your heart???

    Blessings! I am praying for you!

  4. Sumi,

    I have been reading your blog since April, I believe, but have never commented. Thank you, thank you for spilling your life and your walk with Jesus out for all of us, it has truly been a blessing and I am humbled by your ability to throw your arms around the Lord and just hang on. You are an encouragement and I strive to trust God as much as you obviously do. I, too, love the names of God, in fact that has been quite the recurring theme in my world for the past week! Jehovah-Jireh means “the Lord will provide”. Thank you again for your openness and your honesty.

  5. Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
    Isaiah 40:31

    Praying for you… that your hope and strength be renewed as you look to Jesus in your time of grief.

  6. I think of you and your sweet Jenna often. Know I will pray specifically for your hope, and my own, to return with the mercy and healing that only Christ can provide.

  7. Praying for you daily and especially when the Lord brings you to mind.


  8. Job 19:10 NIV
    He tears me down on every side till I am gone; he uproots my hope like a tree.

    I am not sure where my words are going but I read your blog and my heart breaks for you. I have three children here on earth and an infant son in heaven and I can not imagine life without my kids. I can’t imagine “going on”, but I know I would. I love your honesty and your willingness to share your heart. I pray for you everyday and there are days when I think I’m having a bad day and then I compare it to you and what you are going thru and I’m reminded that no matter what happens our faith will get us thru, I thank God for blessing me with your blog and your faith.

    Love in Christ,

  9. I have been praying for you and your family. I know that your heart’s desire is to honor and glorify Jesus and draw others to Him. Through Jenna and what God is doing in your heart, you are doing that in spades, Sumi.

  10. I hurt for you in your heartache. I’m grateful God led me to Carol Kent’s book so that you would find out about it. I pray God will wrap you in His arms and You will find your Ephraim blessing.


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