I am tired, thanks to late nights and early morning tosses and turns. I thought I would take a little nap right now but lo and behold, as soon as I lay my tired little noggin on the pillow I started blogging in my head. I’m sure those of you who blog know how it goes….you get these thoughts running through your head and you think they (sorta) make sense. You decide maybe it is worth sitting down to capture them – and then they are gone. LOL.
So…umm…where was I? 🙂
I was thinking about how I am getting a bit weary of the whole deal. I have been though the ups and downs, I have wrestled with questions about what my relationship with Jenna should look like now that she is in heaven. I have wondered about God’s plan for redemption even in the midst of such tragedy. I have felt the urge to speak about my girly-girl at the most inopportune times, and either felt bad because it changed the tone of the conversation, or sad because I had to keep quiet so that it wouldn’t. I have felt the immense gratitude of unexpectedly hearing someone mention my little girl’s name with love. Every mom wants her child to be noticed and remembered. I do too.
My emotions have run the gamut in the last almost-5 months, and as I lay there on my bed a few minutes ago, I wished I could say to Jesus: ” OK, I get it now, I have seen much and experienced much and learned much. So…um…can I please have Jenna back now?”
I realised though that this is a long-haul thing and that I have to run this race until the end. Jenna is not coming back, but we are going to where she is. We quoted this verse on her memorial leaflet: “…and a little child shall lead them.” Jenna has gone on before us, and leads the way. I can make it if I remember where I am going, and the One who is running right beside me cheering me on.
My sweet Jesus knows just how to pick me up when I get weary, and when I turn my focus from this sad mess and look to him and where he is taking me, I am very much encouraged. And I am not talking about heaven only, friends. “I would have fainted unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. (Psalm 27:13) .” His goodness will be abundantly clear, not only when I reach heaven, but long before. The end of this thing will be better than its beginning, of that I am sure.
Jenna’s birthday is soon upon us. It is a day that I have anticipated with some tears already. The 27th of July, Christmas time, and the 17th of February next year are days that I expect will be difficult ones for me. I am trying to think of ways to make them a celebration of Jenna, to make these days ones that will honor her and enable us to rejoice in the precious gift that she was to us.
For Jenna’s birthday, I innitially planned a picnic at her graveside. It is mid-summer though, in Florida, and it would have to be in the afternoon after church. I am thinking we will be too wilted from the heat to really celebrate Jenna’s birthday well. (Unless we could take along a slippery-slide and sprinklers etc – could you all picture us having a party like that at the cemetery? 😀 )
I am thinking about how we could celebrate…and I would love to hear your ideas. One thing I want to do is invite friends to send Jenna a birthday card, and to read them to Jenna on the day. If any of you would like to bless Jenna (and her mommy) with a birthday card, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for my address. I would gladly give it to you!
Anyhow, I have an hour left before we have to leave the house and perhaps I could turn off this brain for a while and catch that nap after all. A snooze sounds sooooo good right now.