WOW! I wanted to thank you all for the sweet comments and all the support you gave me in response to my last post. I appreciate it sooooo much! You are all stars.
I want to make it clear though that I am not upset with anybody. I know that the people who inspired my post have only my best interests at heart. I wouldn’t want them to click on my blog and get the wrong impression. I realise that it is tough to understand this road if you haven’t walked it yourself. I didn’t ‘get it’ either until it happened to me. I just do not want to feel like I have to tiptoe around my own grief, and I don’t want others to feel that way around me either.
Good news! Jenna’s birthday party is finally starting to come together in my brain. I took the boys to my pastor’s community pool yesterday. They had been asking to go but I had been putting it off because the last time we were there it was with Jenna, to celebrate her third birthday. One of the few videos we have of Jenna was taken on that day, and in my mind’s eye I can still see her splashing in the pool with her daddy and her best friend Joseph.
Anyhow, I ambled about at the poolside, reminiscing and picturing that last birthday with Jenna, when it occurred to me that we can have her next birthday at that pool too! I have not been quite comfortable to have her birthday party at our house, simply because my house needs so much work and I cannot possibly manage to do everything I would like to do. A sweet friend offered her house but I felt it might impose too much – but a poolside party at the same pool where we celebrated her birthday last year sounds just perfect! We have lovely memories of Jenna there, and it is a lovely venue, with lots of shade, a kiddie pool area, and lots of clear sky so we can see the balloons go up. (I am still deciding between balloons and butterflies, or both).
So, as far as I am concerned, we are set! I am excited that I at least have the venue settled in my mind. Now I can start thinking about other things…
I didn’t swim yesterday because it was cool in the shade and I was nattering to a friend instead. I have been putting off going for a swim in my bathing suit though. That bathing suit hasn’t been in water since the day I swam in the pool that took Jenna’s life. I know that life goes on and that if I were hot enough yesterday I would have steeled myself and jumped in. But my bathing suit still has traces of Jenna’s pool in it and to go swimming in it again would have been another ‘first’. Sigh. All these firsts…
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like when there are no more firsts, and when every possible unexpected Jenna-discovery has been exhausted. When everything is old hat and there is nothing new in the chapter of Jenna’s life except meeting her in heaven. I wonder if it would be a sad moment or whether it would be just another oh-well-such-is-life-moment.
Update: I went out today and bought myself a new bathing suit. 🙂 I realised when I put my old one on yesterday that it was all stretched out and not keeping its shape like it used to. I am getting older and I need a bathing suit that holds it all together! LOL I am going to put the old one away with Jenna’s things for now. I will decide later whether I want ot keep it or toss it. For now it is the only bathing suit Jenna ever saw me wear so it will join the pile of things in Jenna’s closet that I will have to sort through one day when I am ready.
We will be out of town this weekend. Our pastor has been asked to start a church in Northern Alabama and we are going with him and another couple to ‘scout out the land’, so to speak. It will be our first ‘missions’ (y’all know that missions can be local and doesn’t have to be international, right?) trip with him so it should be interesting… It will be nice to see some mountains again too…or even some hills. Florida is so flat…
On a last note: I am so overwhelmed by the lovely response I got from you all regarding Jenna’s birthday cards. They are starting to trickle in and I am using all my will-power not to open them until the day. I think it will be special to keep them until the 27th, so that is what I have purposed to do, even if it goes totally against my character! 🙂
THANK YOU ALL!!!