It’s late

It is 1:15 to be exact. I should have been in bed long ago, but I have been gripped by an acute case of “the missing” since early evening. I am compulsively sitting here reading other blogs and walking down memory lane. I think I can blame the cooler weather we had today. Fall is coming, and the very air around me brings back my most recent memories of Jenna, the long wonderful days of autumn, and the fresh mild winter days we shared shortly before she left us.

I grabbed a sweater for bible school today. It happens to be one that Jenna and I picked out together on our last shopping trip. Last time I wore it, she was on my hip (like she usually was), and it has not been washed since. Intentionally. I compulsively tried to see if any of Jenna’s hair were still on it. (Silly, because I have a whole lock of her hair that we had snipped off at the hospital.) Then I grabbed the pink stripey socks I bought in memory of Jenna (they just looked like her) last spring. I wore them in honor of her, just because I miss her more acutely today.  

My thoughts are already turning to Christmas. How are we going to celebrate Jenna over Christmas? If I can afford it I’d like to lavish Jenna’s presents on a needy little girl somewhere. But I want to do something for Jenna herself – what?

I have been catching up on some of my bloggy friends, and my google reader has less than 5 blogs for me to read as opposed to the 3 digit number it had earlier this evening. No, I didn’t read a hunderd-something blogs! I had to skim them, but I read enough to realise that I am not walking this road of grief alone. It is so comforting to read the words of other moms who have walked the same road. Sometimes they say things I can’t find the words for. (Thanks Sheye and Rach)

I seem to struggle with words at the moment. The feelings run deep but it seems that putting them into words would only sound like a repeat of previous feelings. You can describe a Walmart-moment so many times, after a while it gets old hat.

I have not checked my blog stats at all lately, and I am surprised to see that there is still a substantial amount of visitors here, even though I have been so verbally challenged lately. I soooo appreciate the comments and all of you checking in on me – thank you!!! I’d love to respond to those of you who would like my email address. I haven’t sat down at my computer for non-work related purposes in a while. I’ll get there…

This was taken exactly a year ago. My oldest boy doted on his little sister and this was a fairly common sight in our house:

Aren’t they cutie pies? (Don’t tell my son I called him that.)

Oh – I found a little treasure this week. I had traced Jenna’s hand on the back of a grocery list. It was one of the last lists I made before our trip to SA. If I recall correctly, I was thinking about buying her a pair of gloves for the flight via Washington and wanted her hand size on the paper. I was going to throw the list out earlier this week when I turned it around and spotted that sweet, unexpected little reminder of Jenna traced onto the back. 🙂

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8 responses to “It’s late

  1. Praying for you my friend. Some days are just so hard and there is nothing that soothes that ache. You are certainly not alone.

    Love,
    Kristy

  2. Still praying here for you as you walk this difficult walk. I love the picture of your son and daughter – you have such beautiful children. Remember, you are not alone, even when you think you are.
    Much love,
    Tricia (N.Virginia) 🙂 Fellow South African 🙂

  3. I was thinking of you this morning, so I had to come check on you. What sweet reminders the Father gives you of your precious Jenna. Reading these things almost makes me blush as I realize I’m listening in as God whispers His love in your ear.

    blessings and prayers as always,
    Flowerpot

  4. So sorry about the ache… I don’t know what to think about Christmas either. I have been finding that the more “normal” I start to feel, and the more I dig into life, the stronger and sharper the memories of Ellie get. I don’t know why that is, but it ends up being a double edged sword. Praying for you today…

  5. You’ve been on my heart. I’m still praying for you and your family!

    Cynthia Y.

  6. Still praying for your heart as it heals. May you continue to blessed by sweet reminders of your precious baby girl.
    Hugs and Prayers
    Rachel in PA

  7. Oh Sumi,
    I’m sorry. We still pray for you and yours.

  8. A closer day with Jenna. Harder but closer.
    I like to think it’s the unseen presence of the Superprincess that makes my missing so intense some days. Of course you know Jenna walks beside you every day Sumi but perhaps today she held you hand too.
    You know I understand.
    Love Sheye x

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