I went out with some girl friends from church this morning. We had breakfast, and went for a pedicure and manicure afterwards. I am typing this out with really spiffy looking nails. They scare me every now and then, though, since I am not used to seeing the flash of white that have been painted on the tips of my nails. 🙂 My toe-sies look really cute too, I will definitely be wearing sandals for the next few days. If you’ve got it you might as well flaunt it, right?
At one point during our visit at the salon, I blurted out that I have realised recently that I am disappointed with God. (And true to nature, I promptly started crying.) I explained to my friends that I had such high hopes for personal change after Jenna died, and yet here I am, still the same old Sumi in the same old rut. I am disappointed because real change has been so slow.
Yes, there has been change. If it weren’t for the events that were set in motion on Feb 17 this year, my life would look very different, my blog would have a different flavor and have less readers, I would most likely not be teaching right now. In some ways I do feel stronger. I know God has done things through me the past few months that He has not done before.
Yet…it is not enough for me. The price I have paid is so painfully high, that I have hoped that it would effect a proportionate amount of change in me. I want to carry Jesus to the world. I want to be a vessel that is so full of his living water that I may bring a drink to those who are thirsty. I want to have the tongue of a ready writer, so that I may speak a word in season to him that is weary. I want Jesus. All of Him.
I was chatting with a friend the other day and mentioned, in passing, what a people pleaser I am. You know when you say something and later your words come back and haunt you? Newsflash! I am a people pleaser. I am constantly trying to get my pastor’s approval, I am trying so hard to prove my worth on the worship team, I am trying to impress at school. I have been asked to do some advertisements on the homeschool support group’s website, and my own perfectionism (because what will people think if I do anything less than perfect? ) is kicking my butt. I can’t tell you how many hours I have spent on the thing, only to find out today that I will probably have to redo it all.
Jesus told Martha: one thing is needful. Thankfully, he only puts his finger on one thing in our lives at a time. I realise he is encouraging me to let go of my people-pleasing tendencies and turn my heart to honoring him instead. There is such a sense of freedom in doing that. When I please him he endues me with his life-giving power to do the best that I can, with the right motives. Trying to please the whole world is way too stressful.
Soooo…change is slow. Maddeningly slow for me sometimes. But as someone mentioned to me this morning, I will look back one day and see fruit. I know that my desire for all of Jesus is in line with his heart for me, so my prayers shall be answered. One day. For now, I will just plod on, and try to do the one needful thing that Jesus has placed before me.