my best

Happy weekend!

I went out with some girl friends from church this morning. We had breakfast, and went for a pedicure and manicure afterwards. I am typing this out with really spiffy looking nails. They scare me every now and then, though, since I am not used to seeing the flash of white that have been painted on the tips of my nails. 🙂 My toe-sies look really cute too, I will definitely be wearing sandals for the next few days. If you’ve got it you might as well flaunt it, right?

At one point during our visit at the salon, I blurted out that I have realised recently that I am disappointed with God. (And true to nature, I promptly started crying.) I explained to my friends that I had such high hopes for personal change after Jenna died, and yet here I am, still the same old Sumi in the same old rut. I am disappointed because real change has been so slow.

Yes, there has been change. If it weren’t for the events that were set in motion on Feb 17 this year, my life would look very different, my blog would have a different flavor and have less readers, I would most likely not be teaching right now. In some ways I do feel stronger. I know God has done things through me the past few months that He has not done before.

Yet…it is not enough for me. The price I have paid is so painfully high, that I have hoped that it would effect a proportionate amount of change in me. I want to carry Jesus to the world. I want to be a vessel that is so full of his living water that I may bring a drink to those who are thirsty. I want to have the tongue of a ready writer, so that I may speak a word in season to him that is weary. I want Jesus. All of Him. 

I was chatting with a friend the other day and mentioned, in passing, what a people pleaser I am. You know when you say something and later your words come back and haunt you? Newsflash! I am a people pleaser. I am constantly trying to get my pastor’s approval, I am trying so hard to prove my worth on the worship team, I am trying to impress at school. I have been asked to do some advertisements on the homeschool support group’s website, and my own perfectionism (because what will people think if I do anything less than perfect? ) is kicking my butt. I can’t tell you how many hours I have spent on the thing, only to find out today that I will probably have to redo it all.

Jesus told Martha: one thing is needful. Thankfully, he only puts his finger on one thing in our lives at a time. I realise he is encouraging me to let go of my people-pleasing tendencies and turn my heart to honoring him instead. There is such a sense of freedom in doing that. When I please him he endues me with his life-giving power to do the best that I can, with the right motives. Trying to please the whole world is way too stressful.

Soooo…change is slow. Maddeningly slow for me sometimes. But as someone mentioned to me this morning, I will look back one day and see fruit. I know that my desire for all of Jesus is in line with his heart for me, so my prayers shall be answered. One day. For now, I will just plod on, and try to do the one needful thing that Jesus has placed before me.

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10 responses to “my best

  1. Sumi
    I just wanted to let you know that Larry, me and the kids are thinking about your family always. You are in our hearts, thoughts and prayers. I have been reading your blog since we last spoke on the phone- I’m great about reading it- just not so good at keeping in touch through leaving a comment. I’ve known you for so long and have known so many of the gifts you have – singing- dance- music…But I had no idea what a great writer you are. You have such an awesome gift to express yourself through your writing.
    I miss Jenna daily and so do we all. My kids miss seeing your kids. Would love to see you all soon. Katie just called and let us know about the conference. Glad to hear Dan’s coming in town.
    I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and am always just a phone call (or email) away.
    Love Robin

  2. Amen, amen, amen!

    One would hope that the willingness to sow the loss of a child as a seed would reap a quick harvest of huge personal growth and souls for the Kingdom, but I have discovered the same slow growth as yourself. What’s a Martha to do…

  3. Very well said. I think it something that we all struggle with… at least I know I do. 🙂 Great suffering certainly does open our eyes to what God’s eternal perspective is, and having a child precede us to Heaven definitely connects us to eternity with an invisible thread. But we still wake up every day with the choice to die to the old nature. And so we plod. One foot in front of the other, just like every body else. I too pray that my glimpse into what really matters will change me forever “one thing” at a time. Thank you for your insight.

  4. I understand what you are saying….I feel the same way sometimes.

    Thank you for continuing to share your life with us.

  5. I get it. I’m sorry.

    HUGS!

  6. I understand what you are saying and I wish I didn’t…

  7. aaah, change is overrated anyway. hehehe

  8. Thank you for sharing. I don’t know if you know but I hurt my shoulder on the plane coming back here to Florida after goin home for Christmas back in January. I eventually had to get surgery on it. I did that in August. It’s been 2.5 months since I had the surgery on my shoulder and my shoulder still hurts when I use it. I go to physical therapy three times a week and I do the exercises 3 times a day and it still hurts.

    You blog on change reminds of my shoulder. It’s getting better, but I wish it would go faster, but that’s not the way the body was created to heal itself. It takes time.

    Thank you for sharing.

  9. Hi Sumi,
    I know how you feel. I get frustrated when I feel I am “wasting” all of this! But, you are such a blessing, your realness is fruit to a lot of people and Jenna is a price too high regardless of the results no matter how great or how small. It’s just too high….
    I am continuing to pray for you as you wade your way though all that you have to get through. I know you will do the same for me.
    With love in Christ,
    Kim

  10. God doesn’t see the way we do. You look in the mirror and see the same old Sumi but I’m 110% positive that that’s not what He sees. The problem is that He works on the deep things that we are mostly unaware of and are unable to judge ourselves.
    Never forget this Sumi. The TRIAL of our faith is more precoius than gold and you WILL be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.

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