daytime

Once again, I sit here at my computer unable to tear myself away from the music that is playing over the speakers. Oh, where is my ipod??? I have mislaid it somewhere, and this is the only place where I can sit and listen to music. As hoarse as I am, recovering from some cold or another, I am singing my little Sumi-heart out here at the computer. Thankfully the boys are all in bed asleep.

Soooo, since I am sitting here, I might as well blog, right? Not that I feel like I have anything much to say. My Jenna-words dried up a while ago and I always feel like I am repeating something when I write about her these days. Is that how it is doomed to be, with no new memories to make and the mental wrestling match to come to terms with what happened over?

I miss her tonight. I miss her sweet little kisses that always came so readily when I hinted for them. I miss saying to her: “My muffin” and hearing her reply: “My mama”. She’s the only one that called me “mama” when the mood struck her. I think she heard it somewhere and fancied the sound of it. She called her daddy “dada” at times too, particularly after she saw a video clip of herself as a one year old waiting for her daddy at the front door and calling out: “dada”. 

My oldest knows that he can melt my heart instantly when he calls me “mama” in the same tone Jenna used to use. It reminds me of a little sweetie pie who was so closely tuned in to her mommy’s heart like little girls often are, and who knew that she had me wrapped all around her little finger.

Makes me think of the God who is so huge yet so tuned in to his children and so in love with us that just one glance from our eyes can ravish his heart. (Song of Sol. 4:9)

My pastor mentioned something totally in passing last week that hit me like a bucket of refreshing water. To understand what I am (going to be) getting at, you have to first read my post the deep.

My pastor talked about the afflictions of Paul, and how Paul said in 2 Cor 11 that he had spent a night and a day in the deep.

I loved this. The day follows the night.

During the night season in the deep, you are crushed by the crashing waves (“all thy waves and billows have gone over me”), the agitated waters, the troubled and discomforting seas. But day comes, as it always must, and you suddenly find yourself in a place where there is an abundant water supply. The desert has yielded its rivers in your life, and where there used to be desolation you find an abundance of growth and blessing that you never thought would be possible.  

This is the duality of the deep. Pain cuts deep, but it also breaks open a wellspring of life if we will invite Jesus into those deep recesses of our hearts to fill it, and eventually flow out to others from it.  

May the daytime come soon.

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12 responses to “daytime

  1. I think that’s one of the things I hate most, the no new memories. I was struck so soon after losing Hannah that that was going to be torture. It has been.

    :sigh:

  2. I’m so sorry for the pain and the missing… It truly is so hard. But what a beautiful hopeful path to take us on. Thank you for that!

  3. “This is the duality of the deep. Pain cuts deep, but it also breaks open a wellspring of life if we will invite Jesus into those deep recesses of our hearts to fill it, and eventually flow out to others from it”…loved that…so true…

  4. you know, there’s still moments when I think of Jenna and a sweet twinge of pain pinches my heart. I smile in rememberence and my eyes sometimes become glassy. just wanted you to know.

  5. Thinking of you Sumi and hoping for daytime too. I loved the post about Jenna scribbling on your Bible and it speaking to you. That was so touching.

  6. Sumi-

    I love to read your posts about your precious Jenna. I know how much I miss Maddox and we just had moments… I can only imagine how difficult these last 8 months have been. I am so thankful that your boys know what still melt your heart and take to doing that just for you!

    I also wanted to tell you thank you so much for posting tonight on the most recent post. You have had personal experience and I thank you so much for sharing that… in a way (because you know) that I never could. My husband and I recently watched Hotel Rwanda and that is all I could think of while watching that movie… how many people are counting on us to stay and finish the job when instead we just pull out?

    I hope that y’all are enjoying a nice weekend! Praying for your precious heart!
    Kenzie

  7. Sumi I just read New mercies to-night.Jenna is such a precious beautiful little girl.She is dancing before the Lord in your honor.In fact she may be playing chasing with Joseph!May the Lord hold you all in the palm of His handand comfort your hearts.

  8. my sweet lady I think of you often, I sent my 21 year old daughter a text today that simply said, “I love you and miss you and your cuteness.” She just lives 30 miles away and she is grown, I can’t imagine her being gone from this world, cherish your memories of your sweet girl and always keep sharing I never tire of reading about her and the love you have for her….sending a huge hug!

  9. I, too, never tire of hearing you speak of your precious little girl. I admire how you have found strength to be able to write about her. I am sorry you are having mental wrestling within yourself regarding her death. I know I would.

    Memories are a gift from God. Jenna is with you, in your heart, as you make new memories. I often tell my Mom things (in my mind) and I will say, “Mom, isn’t your great grandson the cutest baby you’ve seen.” You see, my Mom died when I was in the 4th grade and I am now 57 and still miss her. I miss all the things she would have taught me. I miss her hugs and holding me when I was scared.

    I say “If only….” You see my Mom comitted sucide. When she got to the hospital, they could have saved her life if my Dad had told them she had taken a bottle of aspirin. But back then that was such a stigma that he kept quiet. So…in my mind, he had killed her.

    So relax in God’s care and share your new memories with Jenna.

  10. Sumi,

    I love each of your posts. I always love to hear of Jenna and your boys. How are you boys doing? I know boys are infamous for not being talkers. Do they voice their grief?

    Our company sells software around the world and I often think of you when an order comes in from South Africa.

    hugs and blessings,
    Flowerpot

  11. I am praying for your sweet friend. Your words about your Jenna words drying up and not having new memories to share have struck such a cord in my heart this morning. I wish I had words of wisdom, I don’t. Just please know you are not alone and that you are loved and prayed for.

  12. I meant, you, sweet friend in the above comment…:-)

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