First warning: picture-heavy post. Second warning: ramble ahead. I feel like writing, but have no particular thing in mind. Wanna follow along as I splash my thoughts out on the page like a random piece of abstract art that has no structure? (It’s gotta be art when it is as ‘blurby’ as this might end up being.)
I saw the first house decked out in Christmas lights last night. It happens to be the house that was decorated first last year too and I remember oohing and aahing over it with Jenna. It was the first Christmas that she was really verbal and it was so fun experiencing the season with her in all of its facets. I started tearing up in the car as I drove by that cheerfully lit up house on the way to Publix, but I was grimly amused at myself for squelching the tears quickly so that I wouldn’t walk into the store with a red nose and watery eyes. Since when did I care about that?
I still get a bit weepy at Walmart from time to time and I really don’t care about the sideways glances. It’s OK. I am OK. Just missing a little sweetie pie, that’s all.
We went to the zoo with some friends this morning – another first for me. The last time the boys had a field trip to the zoo I didn’t feel up to going – and sent them with a friend. I walked the same pathways today and marvelled at the thought that there was a time that Jenna’s little feet walked them with us, her eyes scrutinized the same flower patch, trying to find the bees that frequented them, she had lain on her tummy in that same spot to look though the window at the otters playing in the water. How could she have been so present then and so absent now?
I had a little conversation with the klipspringer (literally translated from the Afrikaans as “rock jumper”) that Jenna liked so much the last time we were there. I told him how much Jenna had enjoyed him, and I thanked him for making my little girls’ life a fraction richer.
At the playground, the first thing I did was go down the slide for Jenna. I had the middle boy go down the slide on Jenna’s side at the same time. Bittersweet. I only wish I had thought about taking our picture today too.
There’s always this gap, you know? I am out there with good friends, and I am really having a beautifully fun day, but in the back of my mind, something is missing. I cannot enjoy watching Jenna as she explores the zoo anymore. I do tell myself she is not missing the zoo, and I know she is not. One tends to think that because a child’s life is cut short they miss out on so much, but honestly I don’t believe that. I believe that the God who made this world so diverse and so abundantly beautiful and so full of rich experiences has made heaven to be the same way – if not more so.
I think we have seen only a tiny glimpse of one of God’s facets in this world he has created, and it will take an eternity to find out all about him and about everything that flows from his hand. Jenna is enjoying that right now – and not missing this world. We just miss her.
I took a few nice photos today. It is fun comparing the “now” photos to the “then” photos to see how much the boys have grown. It was fun to photograph David, who is a year younger than Jenna. Toddlers are great to take pictures of because they still get engrossed enough in their surroundings not to pose every time the camera points at them. I miss taking Jenna’s picture. It was something I enjoyed doing so much.
Here’s some of my two younger boys: (The oldest one stayed home. The zoo is boring, mom, no matter who you go with. Sigh – teenagers!)
My blonde-haired, blue eyed youngest:
My…um…never-a-dull-moment middle son:
Oh…and just so that I can make this post even more random, let me thow in a cute picture of the muffin that I came across as I searched for the zoo pictures. This was taken at my in-laws’ house, not at the zoo. It is just a sweet picture of Jenna and I feel like sharing:
Check out that sweet smile. 🙂 So many of Jenna’s pictures show her with a bruise on her forehead. She was fearless – always doing what her brothers were doing. She had the “battle scars” to prove it, poor thing.
OK so maybe this post is close to, but not quite up to “random abstract art” status. Random – absolutely. Abstract – not quite. Art? Not even close. If you stuck it out this far, thanks for taking a trip in my brain. I hope you didn’t get lost in the wide open spaces in there. 🙂
…Oh…just noticed. Here’s a final bit of randomness. This was my 200th post. Well, technically my 198th, since Holland wrote the previous post, and hubby wrote one to me on our anniversary on July 2007. But the stats counter says 200, so we will stick to that. How can we celebrate?