A glimpse into Sumi’s brain

First warning: picture-heavy post. Second warning: ramble ahead. I feel like writing, but have no particular thing in mind. Wanna follow along as I splash my thoughts out on the page like a random piece of abstract art that has no structure? (It’s gotta be art when it is as ‘blurby’ as this might end up being.) 

I saw the first house decked out in Christmas lights last night. It happens to be the house that was decorated first last year too and I remember oohing and aahing over it with Jenna. It was the first Christmas that she was really verbal and it was so fun experiencing the season with her in all of its facets. I started tearing up in the car as I drove by that cheerfully lit up house on the way to Publix, but I was grimly amused at myself for squelching the tears quickly so that I wouldn’t walk into the store with a red nose and watery eyes. Since when did I care about that?

I still get a bit weepy at Walmart from time to time and I really don’t care about the sideways glances. It’s OK. I am OK. Just missing a little sweetie pie, that’s all.

We went to the zoo with some friends this morning – another first for me. The last time the boys had a field trip to the zoo I didn’t feel up to going – and sent them with a friend. I walked the same pathways today and marvelled at the thought that there was a time that Jenna’s little feet walked them with us, her eyes scrutinized the same flower patch, trying to find the bees that frequented them, she had lain on her tummy in that same spot to look though the window at the otters playing in the water. How could she have been so present then and so absent now?

I had a little conversation with the klipspringer (literally translated from the Afrikaans as “rock jumper”) that Jenna liked so much the last time we were there. I told him how much Jenna had enjoyed him, and I thanked him for making my little girls’ life a fraction richer.

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At the playground, the first thing I did was go down the slide for Jenna. I had the middle boy go down the slide on Jenna’s side at the same time. Bittersweet. I only wish I had thought about taking our picture today too.

There’s always this gap, you know? I am out there with good friends, and I am really having a beautifully fun day, but in the back of my mind, something is missing. I cannot enjoy watching Jenna as she explores the zoo anymore. I do tell myself she is not missing the zoo, and I know she is not. One tends to think that because a child’s life is cut short they miss out on so much, but honestly I don’t believe that. I believe that the God who made this world so diverse and so abundantly beautiful and so full of rich experiences has made heaven to be the same way – if not more so.

I think we have seen only a tiny glimpse of one of God’s facets in this world he has created, and it will take an eternity to find out all about him and about everything that flows from his hand. Jenna is enjoying that right now – and not missing this world. We just miss her.

img_3638I took a few nice photos today. It is fun comparing the “now” photos to the “then” photos to see how much the boys have grown. It was fun to photograph David, who is a year younger than Jenna. Toddlers are great to take pictures of because they still get engrossed enough in their surroundings not to pose every time the camera points at them. I miss taking Jenna’s picture. It was something I enjoyed doing so much.

 

 

Here’s some of my two younger boys: (The oldest one stayed home. The zoo is boring, mom, no matter who you go with. Sigh – teenagers!)

My blonde-haired, blue eyed youngest:

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Blondie at the lorikeets: img_3682

 

My…um…never-a-dull-moment middle son:

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Help! He’s climbing up my arm!

 img_3684                                                         He’s going to bite my ear! (Like the last time)

img_3685                                                            Or perhaps not.

img_3686                                                        Look, ma, I have a bird on my shoulder!

Oh…and just so that I can make this post even more random, let me thow in a cute picture of the muffin that I came across as I searched for the zoo pictures. This was taken at my in-laws’ house, not at the zoo. It is just a sweet picture of Jenna and I feel like sharing:

hanlies-disk-1-0492                                                        She’s showing off a watch my father-in-law brought her from Germany.

hanlies-disk-1-050

Check out that sweet smile. 🙂 So many of Jenna’s pictures show her with a bruise on her forehead. She was fearless – always doing what her brothers were doing. She had the “battle scars” to prove it, poor thing.

OK so maybe this post is close to, but not quite up to “random abstract art” status. Random – absolutely. Abstract – not quite. Art? Not even close. If you stuck it out this far, thanks for taking a trip in my brain. I hope you didn’t get lost in the wide open spaces in there. 🙂

…Oh…just noticed. Here’s a final bit of randomness. This was my 200th post. Well, technically my 198th, since Holland wrote the previous post, and hubby wrote one to me on our anniversary on July 2007. But the stats counter says 200, so we will stick to that. How can we celebrate?

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10 responses to “A glimpse into Sumi’s brain

  1. Random? Absolutely. Writing that is beauty full? You betcha! :o)

    I like reading what’s in your heart, Sumi. This road of ours is just so SO hard some times. :sigh:

    Oh, and for post numbers? I’m almost at 1000 if you can believe it!

    HUGS, Friend. Many many HUGS

  2. I loved this post. Please don’t ever feel you need to stop sharing your Jenna with us. I love her pictures. I cry everytime and just lift you up to the throne of grace and mercy. OH, I just got this picture in my mind as I typed grace and mercy. I just imagined Jenna running around the throne room catching all the prayers sent up on your behalf…like when a child tries to catch blowing bubbles….catching them and taking them straight to God upon the throne.
    Keep crying out to Him Sumi on the good days and the tough ones. She is precious and worth talking about and sharing her life with us. We care. We want to hear about her and the funny things she said or did…like the battle scars from trying to keep up with her brothers.
    Keep sharing her Sumi.

  3. Hi Sumi,
    It is so hard to see pictures of what took place on a day a year ago or almost two for us, I think us mommy’s will always analyze that. Jenna’s pictures are so sweet. May the Lord give your heart vivid and joyful memories of the sweet times with Jenna as you go through the holidays…..
    Cindy

  4. yes, but did you include the many posts that never make it to the public side of your blog? I’d add a few extra above 200 if that’s the case. 😉

  5. It’s so hard to revisit those places we went to before we lost our love. Praying you on today. And the pictures of your girl are just lovely. You can tell she just had a way about her!
    Trinity

  6. I love following your thoughts through your family. (((HUGS)))

  7. When I see the pictures of your little Muffin Jenna, I can see the joy in her heart and her love of life. Knowing how much she was loved and that she is with Christ dancing in Heaven is a consolation for us all.

    I pray that the Lord continues His work in you and your family… may the memories and thoughts you share with us be a testimony to God’s love and mercy…

  8. Sumi, I loved the pictures. You are in my thoughts and prayers often.
    Love You,
    Lisa

  9. It was so nice to see pictures of the boys and of Jenna. I am glad you write so much about her as I never knew her and am getting to know her through the eyes of your love.

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