So near, and yet so far.

I am sitting here weeping buckets. I was crazy enough to watch the video of one of my bloggy friends whose little daughter lived for a very short while. They knew she would be going to heaven shortly after her birth, and the video shows little Audrey being loved on by her mommy and daddy and her big sisters before (and after) she passes away.

I am missing Jenna so. A friend asked me straight out how my Christmas was at church tonight. I welcomed her question, but talking about Christmas and New Year especially stirred up some emotions that have been latent for a while.

I was poking around on Facebook last night when Jenna’s cousin in South Africa im’d me. We had a little chat and she told me what an impact Jenna had had on her life, even though they had just spent one afternoon together. She said: “Who could ever forget such a little petal?”

It blesses me to know that others miss and remember Jenna too. She was a little presence wherever she went and people were so drawn to her.

So in my weeping-buckets state, I went to my blog’s Jenna page to see some pictures of my little girl.  It is the strangest thing. I look at her pictures, and I cannot help but smile.  I smile into the eyes of a little girl whom I know is not dead.  I know, when I look at her pictures, that Jenna wants me to know that she is alive and joyously happy and content, and she is with Jesus.  

I miss her but I am not in despair.  My girlie is not as far away as it seems.

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8 responses to “So near, and yet so far.

  1. Oh Sumi!!!!!! My heart breaks for the pain you are in! I really don’t have any words…..but I am praying!!!!!!!

    Love you!

  2. Not crazy to view that video, even knowing that it might make you cry.

    A dear friend of mine passed away this week, yet another brain tumor.

    I’ve been crying for three days and just when I think I”ve stopped, someone else sends me a link to the video tribute a friend made for him and I find myself watching it again and the tears start anew.

    Sometimes its what we need, a good cry without shame. Very healing. I am so sorry about your friend and their baby.

  3. I’ve resisted Angie’s video for the time being, today has had enough tears of it’s own.

    Thank you for sharing your journey….and your joy!

  4. Praying for you. I was unable to watch the video as of yet because I know what it will do to me…I watched PS I love you the other night and am still recovering! UGH! I never had the honor to meet your sweet girl, but her pictures make me smile too!

  5. Beautiful Sumi.

    My eyes welled with tears at your comments about the pictures; I know that near/far, happy/sad feeling all too well. Thinking of you!

  6. Hi Sumi, I often visit but rarely have something to say that I think is comment-worthy….in fact, I still don’t think I do. I just want you to know that people from far far away think about you and your boys (all 4) and that gorgeous little Miss Jenna.

    Love to you,

    Jane (Australia)

  7. After I lost Hannah, so many people would send me links for other parents who had just lost children (Hi Sumi!, LOL) because, as you know, we “get” it and they wanted me to know so I could go and give love and support. However, those visits so often left me gasping for breath and in tears as I could just *feel* their pain. I also found it made me miss Hannah so much more as I would relive the events of our last day with her.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry you had those moments as well. It’s all so hard and our lives are irrevocably changed–forever.

    Then, of course, there is the second part of your post. Yes, they are there and they are indeed close by. Talk about comfort and joy through the pain.

    Many HUGS! And, I’m SO jealous of your frozen meals. What a smart cookie you were! ;o)

  8. Sumi – You just visited my blog but I have visited yours many times. I have never commented, which is probably my own blunder. Can I confess that every time I have started to write something, it sounds so trite? Can I tell you, though, that I pray for you so often? We have never met face to face, but Jenna is in my thoughts so many times throughout these days of raising little ones. You have changed my perspective on what it means to love. She has changed that, too. I love reading of your love for her. It is so tangible and wonderful.

    The last line in this post made me cry, too. You are a gem. Jenna is a lucky one to have you for her mama.

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