Have I told you lately that I have a sweet hubby?
The man saw an email I had written to a friend where I mentioned that he seems to be struggling to come to terms with Jenna’s death lately. I expressed the fear that perhaps he was secretly, at the back of his mind, blaming me for what happened. After all, I was there. I knew my husband is too sweet to EVER express anything like that to me, but my fear was that that was what he was thinking.
And so, I got this email in my inbox this afternoon. From the sweet man himself:
My precious Sumi
Just thinking about your comment to Heather in your last email to her, and instead of coming to you and just telling you, I am writing this so that you have it “on record” 🙂
Simply put, I don’t blame you, period. Settle that in your heart.
If anything, I blame life (that part that denies the foreseeable and brings about the unforeseeable), and yes, lately I have felt angry, cheated, but this is not the overarching attitude of my heart concerning Jenna’s death. I have to admit that lately I have found myself in a dry and dark place in my walk with Jesus, and could not find His grace that normally so balms and constantly washes my heart and soul when dealing with Jenna’s passing, and therefore was focused on what life did, rather than on what He is doing.
This last weekend however He has been dealing with me in His gentle, merciful, gracious, yet so powerfully two edged sword “piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit” way, as He usually does. I was sitting down stairs in the wee hours of Sunday morning before going to bed, crying many tears. Mostly of sheer frustration at myself , but also of a quiet, strengthening, and reviving hope in Jesus, and His promise that He “…has chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love…”
and that He himself would make it happen because “…he which begun a good work in you will perform(perfect) it…”, which is all “…according to the riches of his grace ; Wherein he hath abounded toward us in all wisdom and prudence…” blessing us “…with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places…” so that all is fulfilled “..according to his good pleasure which he hath purposed in himself..”.
Think about this, He considered it all, carefully thought it through, counted the cost, and made a decision of His will that He Himself would make available to us ALL that would be required (all the blessings, treasures, riches of heaven and His grace) to indeed bring us before Him holy and without blame.
And then today, after you called me about accessing your old emails from when Jenna died, I started reading them myself, and all the peace, all the grace, all the wonderful sense of His comfort, love, and purpose came back like a flood.
All I can say Sumi, is lets go together through the next month, the 1 year anniversary, with a strong determination to tightly cling to Jesus, and rekindle into a burning passion our sense of His purpose in all this, not looking too sadly at what life “did to us’, but looking carefully at, and submitting to, and firmly taking hold of all Jesus is doing. Lets come out of this with the wind of the Holy Spirit in our faces as we run with all our might toward His calling, and possess the land He has promised us.
I love you Sumi, I love you soooo very much, and I bless you, as my adorable wife, and the wonderfully awesome mother of our children.
It is an indisputable fact that Jenna had the best mom, ever. And I know she still brags about you up there in heaven 🙂