Today has been a day of contrasts. I wasted a lot of time. I got a lot done.
I spent the early part of the day vegging on my blog, watching those stats creep up. I had a lot of visitors today, I wonder whether people were intrigued by the photos and all your comments and decided to read other posts. I dunno.
I had a weepy morning – just remembering Jenna, and remembering our time in South Africa. It was such a special time. South Africa is a wonderful place, it gets into your blood, and today I am slightly homesick.
Jenna’s multi-colored suitcase is still in her closet – I have only opened it once or twice since we arrived back in America. I have this urge to go and open that suitcase and lift out the contents one by one and hug them to me. Her little ballet outfit lies in the very bottom of the suitcase, and I have not laid eyes upon it since packing it away on the other side of the Atlantic. It is such a quintessential Jenna-item, I wonder how I will feel when I have stripped away the layers above it and find that little treasure last of all.
Perhaps tomorrow I will sit on the floor in front of Jenna’s closet and just remember. I have kept every receipt from our shopping trips in SA, I have stuffed all her coloring books and markers and other little reminders of our trip in a big bag next to her suitcase. All the birthday cards that many of you sent Jenna in July is in that bag too. Sweet memories.
I am weepy because the 17th is fast approaching. There is something scary about crossing the threshold to ‘more than a year ago’. Anticipating her heaven day is difficult. I know from experience that it is good to have people around me and after some deliberation, I have decided to go to school as normal. Still, I have warned my students and my colleagues that I might be weepy that day. They understand. I would like to celebrate Jenna in some way or another at school, and if any of you have any suggestions I would love to hear them.
I dreamed of her last night. Of course, by the time I woke up half the dream was gone, and all that remains is the image of me watching her play with buttons that floated down like snowflakes. Dreams are funny, aren’t they? A week or so ago I was cleaning up downstairs and found some stray buttons that I placed in my button tin. I thought of my mom, who always kept a big tin of buttons for her grandchildren to play with. Jenna played with them too, if I am not mistaken. I remember wistfully thinking that I’d never see the muffiny playing with my button tin again. Anyhow, somehow the buttons made their way into my dream of Jenna but they were of the snowflake variety. LOL!
So much for vegging this morning. This afternoon I grabbed my history textbooks and planned out the rest of the year. We are going to have to step up the pace a notch because I hadn’t realised that we would be missing many days in May for SAT tests, a missions week and other unplanned events. I sat on the sofa until my hiney got sore and my brain too fuzzy to continue, but I feel better about the rest of the year. We might even be able to finish the curriculum, something they weren’t able to do last year.
Sooo…it’s been a mixed day, on many levels. I feel good, and I feel sad. We had an encouraging visit with our pastor last night. Nothing like a pat on the back from your father in the Lord. Things are changing. God is working. Life is good.
A mixed-up goodnight to you all!
UPDATE: Please pray for little Camden Roell if the Lord lays him upon your heart. He was born a little more than a week ago with his intestines in his lung cavity. Camden will be having surgery tomorrow (Friday) at 12 noon ET. This is major surgery to move his liver, intestines, stomach etc. out of his lung cavity into their proper places, and it is expected to last about 6 hours. It is a very risky surgery, but it can’t be avoided if Camden is to live.