Mixed-up post

Today has been a day of contrasts. I wasted a lot of time. I got a lot done.

I spent the early part of the day vegging on my blog, watching those stats creep up. I had a lot of visitors today, I wonder whether people were intrigued by the photos and all your comments and decided to read other posts. I dunno.  

I had a weepy morning – just remembering Jenna, and remembering our time in South Africa. It was such a special time. South Africa is a wonderful place, it gets into your blood, and today I am slightly homesick.

Jenna’s multi-colored suitcase is still in her closet – I have only opened it once or twice since we arrived back in America. I have this urge to go and open that suitcase and lift out the contents one by one and hug them to me.  Her little ballet outfit lies in the very bottom of the suitcase, and I have not laid eyes upon it since packing it away on the other side of the Atlantic. It is such a quintessential Jenna-item, I wonder how I will feel when I have stripped away the layers above it and find that little treasure last of all.

Perhaps tomorrow I will sit on the floor in front of Jenna’s closet and just remember. I have kept every receipt from our shopping trips in SA, I have stuffed all her coloring books and markers and other little reminders of our trip in a big bag next to her suitcase. All the birthday cards that many of you sent Jenna in July is in that bag too. Sweet memories.

I am weepy because the 17th is fast approaching.  There is something scary about crossing the threshold to ‘more than a year ago’. Anticipating her heaven day is difficult. I know from experience that it is good to have people around me and after some deliberation, I have decided to go to school as normal. Still, I have warned my students and my colleagues that I might be weepy that day. They understand. I would like to celebrate Jenna in some way or another at school, and if any of you have any suggestions I would love to hear them.  

I dreamed of her last night. Of course, by the time I woke up half the dream was gone, and all that remains is the image of me watching her play with buttons that floated down like snowflakes. Dreams are funny, aren’t they? A week or so ago I was cleaning up downstairs and found some stray buttons that I placed in my button tin. I thought of my mom, who always kept a big tin of buttons for her grandchildren to play with. Jenna played with them too, if I am not mistaken. I remember wistfully thinking that I’d never see the muffiny playing with my button tin again. Anyhow, somehow the buttons made their way into my dream of Jenna but they were of the snowflake variety. LOL!

So much for vegging this morning. This afternoon I grabbed my history textbooks and planned out the rest of the year. We are going to have to step up the pace a notch because I hadn’t realised that we would be missing many days in May for SAT tests, a missions week and other unplanned events. I sat on the sofa until my hiney got sore and my brain too fuzzy to continue, but I feel better about the rest of the year. We might even be able to finish the curriculum, something they weren’t able to do last year.

Sooo…it’s been a mixed day, on many levels. I feel good, and I feel sad. We had an encouraging visit with our pastor last night. Nothing like a pat on the back from your father in the Lord. Things are changing. God is working. Life is good.

A mixed-up goodnight to you all!

UPDATE: Please pray for little Camden Roell if the Lord lays him upon your heart. He was born a little more than a week ago with his intestines in his lung cavity. Camden will be having surgery tomorrow (Friday) at 12 noon ET. This is major surgery to move his liver, intestines, stomach etc. out of his lung cavity into their proper places, and it is expected to  last about 6 hours. It is a very risky surgery, but it can’t be avoided if Camden is to live.


14 responses to “Mixed-up post

  1. ((HUGS))

    I remember those days leading up to the first anniversary. It was like in some ways I was reliving that day over again. A lot of emotions, but, we celebrated like there was no tomorrow. We released balloons with little messages on them that were personal to us that we wanted JT to get. We sang some songs and read some poems just for him and then we sang him happy homecoming birthday.

    I still smile thinking of it. It was a really good day and not like I expected it to be. Oh there were tears and many emotions, but, we talked about all the good memories and it was very heartwarming.

    I also wanted to say I am so proud of you. I remember when you first started teaching and you didn’t think you could do it. And look at you now. Wow! That deserves a you go girl! lol

    I don’t know why this just hit me. It isn’t something that the class would do but, something that you could give the class. How about a pink ballet slipper bookmark. On the back you could have
    For Jenna and a bible verse, or a special poem. Probably a lot of work but, that would be something that fits for Jenna.

    p.s. there is still a bag of JT’s stuff that I haven’t looked in. I am too afraid to for some reason.

    sorry about the book. lol

  2. Ugh! Sometimes I feel like this journey of grief is just one huge oxymoron. I am always feeling mixed up! I am praying that you will find just the right way to celebrate Jenna’s Heaven day. I am struggling with Asher’s coming up too. Please know I am loving you and praying from afar!

  3. BIG HUGS, Sumi. Wish I could give you one in person. I’ve been told I give GREAT hugs. LOL

    I love Bobbie’s idea of the ballet slipper bookmarks. That would be a perfect reminder of little Jenna.

    Praying for you….

  4. Bring in some of Jenna’s favorite foods to class.

    Write notes to Jenna or to God, place them inside helium balloons and let them go.

    On my niece Kyra’s birthday and the anniversary of her death, we eat orange foods and chocolate. Orange was her favorite color.

    As for the suitcase, sit with her stuff if you think it will help. But if it’s too painful, it will wait.

    My room and closet are a disaster ever since my son was diagnosed with brain cancer. First, we moved 2000 miles away for 10 months during his treatment. Then we came home and 5 years later I’ve still got unpacked boxes.

    I started to clean out my closet about a year ago and one of the first things I encountered was that belongings bag they give you in the hospital. It contained the hair they shaved from my son’s head the morning of his brain surgery, some small toys, a craft he did during his hospital recovery, those days of shock following the diagnosis.

    I put everything back in the bag and put it back behind my dresser. Some day.

  5. I am praying hard for you and your family!!!!


    Love you!

  6. HUGS for you and prayers for Camden!!!

  7. Recently I put all of Joel’s stuff in a container, special things that were his very own but I still have his suitcase he took to the hosp. I have sat, wept and hugged them since. Sometimes I just can not get this…..its like its too permanent for my brain to comprehend. For me, the leading up to the day was so awful, but the actual day was really good. I would have a celebration with Ballerina decorations with your family and have each share special things about her, just make it a Jenna party, celebrating the life and blessing she is to your family.

  8. HUGE HUGS, Sumi.

    I understand. Everything.

  9. I’m so sorry about your daughter. I cannot imagine what it must feel like to lose a child.

  10. Sumi

    I would love for you to stop by my blog and see my 2/1 post, Celebration. Feb. 28. will my little guys 4th Heaven Day and I’m celebrating for the whole month, I celebrate all my kid’s birthdays for a month why should his be any different? I will be thinking and praying for you this month. Remember be good to yourself this month that is what your little muffin would want.


  11. I’ve got no words of wisdom, nothing to say but that I’m so sorry.

    Big fat HUGS.


  12. Thinking of you Sumi, and hoping your days are filled with much love and peace from our Father.

    Thank you for sharing so much of yourself on your blog. I praise Jesus for people like you,


  13. Sumi –
    You are so precious. Thank you for being so honest.

  14. I just wish I could come and hug you but I know since I cannot do so, God will do it for me. He loves you sooo much.

    I was thinking the balloon thing myself. Celebrate her life here and with her Heavenly Father.

    I am so glad that your mother will be coming to visit. I hope you will be able to take some time off to spend with her.

    Hugs Sumi….

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