As I sit here, weeping softly so that no-one in this house full of people will notice (why am I so private with this?), I just miss Jenna. I miss all the girly things she injected into this house full of boys. I miss fussing with all her pretty clothes. I miss snuggling with her. I miss her girly sweetness. I miss that uncanny female ability that she had, as young as she was, to be tuned in to her momma and to seek relationship above anything else. Jenna knew my moods better than her brothers ever did. She managed to connect with me in ways that the boys didn’t. I can’t explain it, but I think it is a girl thing. The other day, I had the awful realisation that my relationship with my boys when they are grown men will never be the same as the relationship with a grown daughter. It is simply different.
Now, as yet another friend is expecting a baby girl, I cannot help but feel slightly envious. Hubby and I were shopping at Walmart today and he asked me if I didn’t sometimes get the inexplicable desire to just reach out to a little toddler stranger at the store and hug her close. The answer is yes. Sometimes my eyes linger too long as I look at a sweet little girl Jenna’s age, and I wonder if anyone can read the longing hiding behind my smile. (I doubt it).
I look at Jenna’s pictures…she was the quintessential little girl, wasn’t she? Soooooo perfect. Cuteness itself. And she was mine to snuggle and hold and sing with and bump down the stairs on our hineys with and to tickle and to build relationship with. Relationship that normally would last a lifetime.
Oh, I get it, that relationship is eternal and that she is waiting with Jesus for me. I have found closure in the fact that she isn’t really all that far away. I know lots of peace and plenty of joy and this outburst is a rare moment in my day. But right now my fingers are flying across the keys trying to express what is pouring out of my heart and right here, in this moment, I simply miss her. My sweet little muffiny and everything she is. I miss my girly girl.