sorrow

As I sit here, weeping softly so that no-one in this house full of people will notice (why am I so private with this?), I just miss Jenna. I miss all the girly things she injected into this house full of boys. I miss fussing with all her pretty clothes. I miss snuggling with her. I miss her girly sweetness. I miss that uncanny female ability that she had, as young as she was, to be tuned in to her momma and to seek relationship above anything else. Jenna knew my moods better than her brothers ever did. She managed to connect with me in ways that the boys didn’t.  I can’t explain it, but I think it is a girl thing. The other day, I had the awful realisation that my relationship with my boys when they are grown men will never be the same as the relationship with a grown daughter. It is simply different.

Now, as yet another friend is expecting a baby girl, I cannot help but feel slightly envious. Hubby and I were shopping at Walmart today and he asked me if I didn’t sometimes get the inexplicable desire to just reach out to a little toddler stranger at the store and hug her close. The answer is yes. Sometimes my eyes linger too long as I look at a sweet little girl Jenna’s age, and I wonder if anyone can read the longing hiding behind my smile. (I doubt it).

I look at Jenna’s pictures…she was the quintessential little girl, wasn’t she? Soooooo perfect. Cuteness itself. And she was mine to snuggle and hold and sing with and bump down the stairs on our hineys with and to tickle and to build relationship with. Relationship that normally would last a lifetime.

Oh, I get it, that relationship is eternal and that she is waiting with Jesus for me. I have found closure in the fact that she isn’t really all that far away. I know lots of peace and plenty of joy and this outburst is a rare moment in my day. But right now my fingers are flying across the keys trying to express what is pouring out of my heart and right here, in this moment, I simply miss her. My sweet little muffiny and everything she is. I miss my girly girl.

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28 responses to “sorrow

  1. precious. i miss her for you and i will hug my three little ones a little closer in the morning. thank you for the reminder.

  2. Praying for you as you face this anniversary.

  3. I can’t imagine your pain and loss but please know that I’m thinking about your.

  4. I can’t imagine your pain and loss but please know that I’m thinking about your.

  5. Sumi

    I wrote a post for you today, it’ll be on my blog tomorrow (16th). I wasn’t going to tell you but then I come here today and I see you need to read that post. I prayed for you this morning when I wrote the post and you’ll see God answered my prayers. I can’t imagine your pain, but I wanted you to know some silly woman in Fairfield, Ohio is praying for you and hoping you know you are not alone on this journey.

    Big Hugs!!!

    http://paperglueetc.wordpress.com/

  6. Senidng hugs and prayers up for you. I have two sweet little girly girls (Rose is four and Pearl is two) and another on the way. Because of you I remember to hug my girls a little tighter, kiss them more often appreciate the moments when they wake me up in the middle of the night and try to be more patient with them. May God comfort you as you miss your precious girl.
    Hugs and Prayers
    Rachel in PA

  7. I’m praying for you! I sent you a special email last night. I hope you get a chance to read it.

    I am glad you got some time to just mourn and weep and miss. That’s so very important. The Lord is with you.

    Praying fervently for you!!!

    ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

  8. I feel similarly about losing my only son. I miss the sweet boyness. I miss the boy clothes – I always enjoyed shopping for his clothes than girl clothes. I think of this big strapping, but sensitive man that my son was to have become. I know he would have been a great husband and father. I know he would have always been my boy. All the recent babies born to friends and family have been boys and I am so envious. I am having to work through the envy.

    So – thanks for sharing the other side. I try to have perspective about my girls, but I miss my boy and being mom to a boy.

  9. Thinking of you especially hard this week. Let it all out Sumi. God understands! I look at the pictures you post and her life and spirit just jump out. It is hard to believe that such a vibrant being can possibly be physically gone. And that is just how I feel from how you have shared about Jenna and her beautiful pictures. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must feel like for those who experienced her presence, and for you as her Mother.

    A “friend” praying for you in MD

  10. Sumi,
    Yes..she is so girly, soooo precious and perfect. Her pictures always bring a smile to my face and tear to my eye. Praying for you still with love…….

  11. Oh, Sumi. :o( I’m so very sorry. She was everything that was girlie and pink and beautiful and cute and fun. I know you miss her desperately and I so wish I could shoulder your pain, if only for a while.

    I know Jenna’s heaven day is quickly approaching. Please know I’m saying many extra prayers for you and your family as you face this first anniversary.

    Many many HUGS.

  12. BTW, that’s supposed to be a frowny face in my post. It didn’t turn out that way. :sigh:

  13. Thinking of you…..miss my Joel too!!!
    Cindy

  14. how I hear you…..in my house full of boys I so long for my special girl…

    HUGS and prayers!!!

  15. Someone in alabama is praying for you tonight and as the anniversay approaches. May God continue to uphold you and give you peace and comfort as you miss Jenna.

  16. I hadn’t checked in with you for a while, and I am so sorry you are hurting. The one year mark sure is tough. For me, the days leading up were especially difficult.
    I hope that as you remember Jenna today you find a smile on your face, as well as the tears. She sounds like a she brought many a smile to your face. 🙂
    Take care today. I will be praying for you.

  17. Stepping up the prayers even more…..

  18. yes. it’s hard to reconcile your brain and your heart, isn’t it :o) your brain knows that “she’s in a better place, she’s with Jesus, you’ll be together soon…” but soon isn’t soon enough for the heart.

    praying for God’s infinite, intimate comfort for you and your family

    mom_of_3 (Lisa S)

  19. Dear Sumi… I’m so sorry for this deep longing for your precious baby girl. I know you don’t want “sorry” or pity or anything else… none of us do… maybe just tears for your precious girl too… My heart breaks for you and this lifetime of waiting~ Praise Jesus that it won’t be forever.

    So much love and prayer,
    Kenzie

  20. Sumi,

    Your relationship with Jenna has been used by God to bless my relationship with my daughter. I feel sick in my stomach for the pain you are enduring. I continue to pray for you and sit with you here at my keyboard … just being with you as you share your hurt and your memories. I am so thankful for all of the pictures you took. They have helped so many of us “know” Jenna a little better. What a doll she is … and she is still a doll, just a heavenly doll now.

  21. PRAYING, PRAYING, PRAYING!!!!!!

    May the Lord hold you close as He ministers to the deepest hurts of your soul. I pray you will feel His joy, peace and comfort to overflowing!

    Grieve, feel her, miss her and remember every wonderful, beautiful, sweet, cute, funny, girly thing about precious Jenna. You’re her mom and you have that right to just miss.

    I’m praying so very hard for you and for your family. That the Lord would heal your husband and minister to him as well. That your boys would be able to open up about their pain and know that Jenna has not been forgotten. That the Lord would strengthen them and comfort them as well.

  22. I know that joy…mixed with pain and longing to hold your sweet baby. To be envious…yet content. Praying for you.

  23. Father God, I lift up to you Sumi and all those who love Jenna and ache for her so very much. Lord, may your grace and comfort rain down especially hard right now. Lord we trust that you will comfort them even though we can’t. We know you will. May they feel surrounded by your love and the love of those around them. We lay these petitions at your feet in the name of our sweet and precious Jesus.

    Thinking about and praying for you all especially hard today.

    A “friend” praying for you in MD

  24. Sumi

    I set my alarm for 30 minutes earlier today and I used that time to pray for you. I want you to know that today both of my daughters are getting a letter from me telling them what they mean to me (I have told them both about Jenna in their letters). Sumi please be good to yourself today, think about Jenna, cry, smile, talk, feel. God has used you to remind us all that our children are loaned to us and some of us take for granted that we will always have them. I just read my post from yesterday about Jenna and I have to say I still picture her dancing in a field of daisies with Jesus today.

    http://paperglueetc.wordpress.com/2009/02/16/flowers/

  25. Hugs you gently. It is ok to be sad and to weep. You are heavy on my heart and my children and I pray for you constantly.

  26. So precious Sumi, so precious.
    love,
    Lelia

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