Ok, so I have been avoiding my blog. Which is absolutely out of character for me. It is as if my words got lost somewhere in the crazy hectic weeks after my mom and sister left. Perhaps if I didn’t write about the fact that it is now longer than a year since Jenna left us, it wouldn’t be so. Or if I ignore the fact that I never really took the time just to sit and miss her on the days preceding the 17th, I can pretend that time hasn’t marched on as resolutely as it had. I can freeze myself in a bubble and take myself back to almost-a-month ago and feel like I am doing Jenna justice by really missing her. Sometime. When I get the time.
Of course, my little muffin doesn’t need me to be sad and miss her to know that I love her, and my hubby doesn’t quite get my angst either. He thinks I am silly because I WANT to take the time to be sad. (He’s being really practical, and he is right, of course…umm…what’s the point? Jenna is happy, and we are really doing OK.) Still, part of me wants to get sentimental and sad because somehow, strangely, it makes the memories sharper and brings Jenna closer. I have been quite detached lately. Underneath it all though, there has been an edginess to me, a lot of emotion boiling right underneath the surface.
I think I am also ’emo’ because I am just. so. tired. Spring break can’t come soon enough, as far as I am concerned. I can see it in my students too – we are all drooping right now. (Don’t get me on to my soapbox rant about the year round schooling I grew up with in South Africa, compared to the system here…)
Tiredness aside, I am really doing quite well. Every now and then (just when I need it) something encouraging happens to show me that what I am doing at the school is not in vain. This week, my bible girls asked such sweet questions in their journals and showed some real understanding of the scriptures which blessed me. I started out the year with such high hopes and I have failed to live up to my own ideas of what I wanted to accomplish in that class. Nevertheless, I thought to myself that if I can leave them this year with simply the knowledge that whatever happens, God is on their side and rooting for them and always has their best interest at heart, I have left them with something substantial.
As I thought about that, I realised that in my own life, miraculously, I really understand that everything God does is good, perfect, and above all redemptive. I KNOW that the thoughts he has towards me are thoughts for good and not for evil. How I got to this point I do not know. But I do not believe it is possible to encounter Jesus without encountering his goodness, and I have encountered him enough to know that he is altogether lovely and abundantly merciful and kind. Oh, how full my heart is towards him tonight. I can say with David: “This one thing I know: God is for me.”
Other snippets about my life (for you, ma, because I know you’d want to know… 🙂 )
The two younger boys are feverish and throwing up and will have to miss out on the birthday party of the year. You know…the one where they were going to be picked up at my house in a limo and be taken to a hotel where they were going to spend the night playing video games and scarfing (instead of barfing) pizza and swimming in the indoor pool. It sucks.
I have just finished reading Booker T Washington’s autobiography. (He reminds me of ouma, ma.) Who said I was never interested in History? Huh? Huh?
The school newspaper is coming out again soon. That means I am going to fall off the face of the earth for a few days…again. Hubby won’t like it. I am really having a hard time juggling this journalism class. It is too big and there is a lot of things happening at once. I need some wisdom there! On top of the school newspaper, I have committed to work on a yearbook for the school. Oi vey!
The weather here is luvverly. My friend Heather says it reminds her of African weather and it does. I have a serious dose of spring fever. If my kiddos weren’t sick we’d be traipsing all over the countryside enjoying the outdoors.
Ok…after this very random late night post…g’night all! Thanks for still being here, even though I have been such a slacker with my blogging!