late night post by a tired Sumi

Ok, so I have been avoiding my blog. Which is absolutely out of character for me. It is as if my words got lost somewhere in the crazy hectic weeks after my mom and sister left. Perhaps if I didn’t write about the fact that it is now longer than a year since Jenna left us, it wouldn’t be so. Or if I ignore the fact that I never really took the time just to sit and miss her on the days preceding the 17th, I can pretend that time hasn’t marched on as resolutely as it had. I can freeze myself in a bubble and take myself back to almost-a-month ago and feel like I am doing Jenna justice by really missing her. Sometime. When I get the time.

Of course, my little muffin doesn’t need me to be sad and miss her to know that I love her, and my hubby doesn’t quite get my angst either. He thinks I am silly because I WANT to take the time to be sad. (He’s being really practical, and he is right, of course…umm…what’s the point? Jenna is happy, and we are really doing OK.) Still, part of me wants to get sentimental and sad because somehow, strangely, it makes the memories sharper and brings Jenna closer. I have been quite detached lately.  Underneath it all though, there has been an edginess to me, a lot of emotion boiling right underneath the surface.

I think I am also ’emo’ because I am just. so. tired. Spring break can’t come soon enough, as far as I am concerned. I can see it in my students too – we are all drooping right now. (Don’t get me on to my soapbox rant about the year round schooling I grew up with in South Africa, compared to the system here…)

Tiredness aside, I am really doing quite well. Every now and then (just when I need it) something encouraging happens to show me that what I am doing at the school is not in vain. This week, my bible girls asked such sweet questions in their journals and showed some real understanding of the scriptures which blessed me. I started out the year with such high hopes and I have failed to live up to my own ideas of what I wanted to accomplish in that class. Nevertheless, I thought to myself that if I can leave them this year with simply the knowledge that whatever happens, God is on their side and rooting for them and always has their best interest at heart, I have left them with something  substantial.

As I thought about that, I realised that in my own life, miraculously, I really understand that everything God does is good, perfect, and above all redemptive. I KNOW that the thoughts he has towards me are thoughts for good and not for evil. How I got to this point I do not know. But I do not believe it is possible to encounter Jesus without encountering his goodness, and I have encountered him enough to know that he is altogether lovely and abundantly merciful and kind. Oh, how full my heart is towards him tonight. I can say with David: “This one thing I know: God is for me.”

Other snippets about my life (for you, ma, because I know you’d want to know… 🙂  ) 

The two younger boys are feverish and throwing up and will have to miss out on the birthday party of the year. You know…the one where they were going to be picked up at my house in a limo and be taken to a hotel where they were going to spend the night playing video games and scarfing (instead of barfing) pizza and swimming in the indoor pool. It sucks.

I have just finished reading Booker T Washington’s autobiography. (He reminds me of ouma, ma.) Who said I was never interested in History? Huh? Huh?

The school newspaper is coming out again soon. That means I am going to fall off the face of the earth for a few days…again. Hubby won’t like it. I am really having a hard time juggling this journalism class. It is too big and there is a lot of things happening at once. I need some wisdom there! On top of the school newspaper, I have committed to work on a yearbook for the school. Oi vey!

The weather here is luvverly. My friend Heather says it reminds her of African weather and it does. I have a serious dose of spring fever. If my kiddos weren’t sick we’d be traipsing all over the countryside enjoying the outdoors.

Ok…after this very random late night post…g’night all! Thanks for still being here, even though I have been such a slacker with my blogging!

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12 responses to “late night post by a tired Sumi

  1. Ah Sumi, its not Jenna missing you ,its you missing Jenna, and that is O K! YOU need that time! Take it, even if only an hour or two, on your own, with Jesus, laying your pain before Him. I know you have done that, but do it again, and again!Love you! Ma.

  2. I can relate to the “yearning” to feel sad or grieve sometimes. I wrote about it in my blog a while back. I am ok most of the time, but sometimes I just want to grieve.

    Busy is a good thing, but burn-out is not. Take care and I hope everything falls into place smoothly.

    God Bless,
    T

  3. I’ve missed hearing from you. I’ve still been praying!

    I’m sorry your boys are sick. That stinks they will miss that party.

    It sounds like your school definitely keeps you hopping! 🙂

  4. Sumi,

    My husband teaches a journalism class (I don’t see much of him at school newspaper time either!) But one thing he did was to incorporate “yearbook” into his journalism class, so that the kids work on the yearbook throughout the year. Is that possible for you to do? They still learn writing, layout, etc… and the yearbook gets done at the same time!

  5. Love Lisa’s idea about including yrbook into journalism class! It’s great to hear from you, Sumi. I am so sorry your boys are sick. That just stinks. 😦

    I hope get to be out in this spring weather and enjoy the creation’s celebration of Jesus resurrection!

  6. Okay…I shouldn’t be on the computer right now…so I can’t leave a long note.

    I will just give you a (((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))), and then God a big PRAISE that He is for you, holding onto you, and loving on you as only He can.

    Love to you,
    K

  7. I’ve missed your blog so its good to see you back. I’m so sorry this has been a tough time for you but you are on a journey of the unknown. You are learning as you go which can be a tough road sometimes but remember it is YOUR road. Travel your road the way you need and want. My thoughts are with you and those sick boys of yours. Cheers!

  8. sumi, i know you probably don’t like to hear it and i guess i say it often but you are incredible. it has only been a year and i am amazed at how you are able to keep on going with a cheerful heart. even when your blog posts start out about jenna and sadness and longing, you always seem to come ’round to the end with hope. just today i was telling alyssa that i had a sudden memory of being in the hospital room with her holding sydney, snugging her and tenderly touching her. it broke my heart all over again and i cried alone remembering. i know you have those times and they are necessary. your trust and faith and hope in Him is evident and must be something that is just part of your makeup – it must be what picks you up when you allow yourself to be down a little. i ALWAYS look in on you and i adore the pictures of jenna – ALWAYS. much love, jan

  9. I really don’t have any words. I have been taking a blog reading break for a bit…just trying to wrap my mind around my own situation. I think of you so often and sweet Jenna. I just love to come here and see her sweet pictures. I can’t wait to meet her some day.

  10. I understand the need to just be sad. I have had those moments myself.

    And, I know ALL about getting bogged under with school work. Sheesh! Good luck with the newspaper! Oh, and I hope the boys are feeling better! :o)

    HUGS!

  11. Sumi,
    I hope the journalism class is going well. Still praying for you.

  12. This past Saturday I was working at a client’s and we were just sitting watching the great outdoors through the window. I thought of you as I watched 2 birds…robins hop around the yard. One had a worm and was trying to gulp it down and the other was trying to get it from it. Anyway..you shared a Jenna/robin story before so every time I see a robin you 2 come to my mind.
    love,
    Lelia

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