I am not a happy camper today. I have suspected for a while that I am due to crash soon, and it happened last night after bible school. Our friend Holland was showing us the pictures of their sweet new baby Zoey on some gadget that he was carrying around. (Hahaha, Holland, I know it was not a phone, but I am oblivious to gadgets. To me they are all ‘watchamacallits’ belonging to a generation younger than I. I am resisting hubby’s suggestions to buy a phone with a built-in gps. Why rely on a satellite to direct you when it’ so much more fun finding – or losing – your own way? 🙂 )
I looked at that sweet little baby face, so similar to that of Zoey’s older brother and Jenna’s best buddy Joseph’s, and I had a flash back to a time when Joseph was little and I was pregnant with Jenna and the world seemed so simple and uncomplicated.
I also remembered the phone call I got from an exuberant Sarah when I was in South Africa to inform me that the doctors had made a mistake, and that the little boy she was due to deliver a month from then was in fact a girl! Having a little girl was something Holland and Sarah had both hoped for, and I think Jenna had a lot to do with that.
Jenna was the quintessential little princess and Sarah enjoyed her girliness almost as much as I did. It was Sarah who had encouraged me to stop feeling guilty about my desire to dress Jenna in gorgeous clothes. She had told me that I should have fun indulging Jenna’s girliness while the muffiny would still let me! (Thanks for that advice, Sarah. I am glad I listened.)
Anyhow…rabbit trails…we were looking so forward to having baby Emma in Jenna’s life. Jenna gave a big smile when I told her that Joseph was going to have a baby sister, and I am grateful that we were able to tell her the news before she went to heaven. Jenna would have been such a sweet little ‘mother-hen’ over Emma…sigh. Jenna went to heaven exactly a week after Sarah’s phone call, and never met baby Emma.
Now Emma is little more than a year old and baby Zoey has made her appearance. I am soooooo glad for Holland and Sarah’s sake…really. I don’t begrudge them their two little girls a bit. But seeing that picture last night made me miss MINE. As I looked at Zoeys’ picture I was aware that two of my friends from church were checking me out. It was that same surreptitiously scrutinous look that sometimes registers on my radar screen whenever I hold a baby on my hip or stoop down to chat to a little toddler. Did my face betray something?
I excused myself (mumbling something about going to find my hubby) and sneaked into the dark sanctuary to grab a tissue and try to compose myself. It didn’t work. I have been pretty composed up until this point. Last night was the first time I really lost it in public. I didn’t want Holland to see me cry though, because I really am so happy for him and Sarah and I didn’t want my pain to dampen their joy.
I hung back not wanting to be seen with my red splotchy face. New tears kept coming though. Hiding is not my strong suit, so I decided to brave the looks and ‘be real’ and walked back into the bible school where everyone was chatting. I sat down and buried my head on a friend’s shoulder and cried. I felt so vulnerable as the room grew quiet, and as I heard whispered questions and answers…what’s wrong?…ohhhh…the baby.
I have been a veritable fountain of tears since. As I write this, red splotchy face and all, one of my boys is reading over my shoulder, the hubby is giving me tender looks, and another boy is tiptoeing around after I gave him an over-the-top response to his request to use the computer. (For which I apologised.) I’m out of sorts today, but I know enough to know that I will not be out of sorts forever. An hour or seven, or a day or two from now I will be fine again. Joy comes in the morning.
Can I complain a bit though? Over and above missing Jenna, life is just stressful right now. Hubby totalled his car and while he searches for a replacement, we are down to one car. Driving one another to work and home and errands so that the other can use the car is time consuming for both of us.
My washing machine broke this weekend and laundry is piling up. Going to a laundromat is time-consuming too and besides, last time I went there little miss Jenna was there to charm everybody. The person who blessed us by providing a cleaning lady for me once a week cannot do it anymore and my house is in bad shape. The floors have not been mopped in two weeks….ugh.
We are out of toilet paper (a trip to the grocery store awaits) and one of the boys clogged the toilet up with paper towels this morning. I had to clean a poopy toilet overflow earlier this morning.
My computer is dead and I have no access to any of the planning that I did for the rest of the year. Since I did the planning in February, I don’t remember anymore what I had done and I will need to re-do it all if the computer can’t get fixed. I have an extremely busy weekend coming up with a special speaker at church and school commitments.
Complaining over. 🙂 Got that off my chest. Tomorrow night I will be playing for the school faculty against the girls basketball team. Have I mentioned that I am from South Africa and that we don’t really play much basketball over there? Or that the closest sport we had to basketball was netball and that it was compulsory and I dreaded it sucked at it in school? Have I mentioned that I don’t have any ball-sense and that I doubt I could bounce a ball even once and keep up with it? LOL! It is going to be a hoot! I have a speech rehearsed in my brain which I wish I could share with the spectators before taking the field. It goes something like: “It takes a special kind of bravery to knowingly make a complete and utter fool of yourself. Henceforth, dear people, I will most probably be known as Sumi The Bravest Person Ever.”
Since I am on hubby’s laptop and the boy still wants to use it, I am not going to edit this post like i normally do. Love to you all…