It’s been almost two months since my last post. Whew! I am askeered to look at my blog stats. 😀 I think I am staying away from that page for now.
It’s Jenna’s 5th birthday tomorrow and I am experiencing the familiar roller coaster of emotion that precedes a big Jenna day. I announced at church this morning that we’ll be having ice cream in her honor at a Baskin Robbins tomorrow afternoon, and I couldn’t keep the tears from flowing as I did so. It surprised me. Once again I have misjudged the way this thing sneaks up on you when you least expect it. I felt fragile and teary all through the service, so much so that I had to leave my seat next to hubby in the front and go and sit at the back in order to compose myself.
Still, I am really, really OK. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes it feels like my heart is ripping in two and the pain of missing Jenna is searing and sharp. But I am OK. I will be OK. The acute, searing pain is temporary. Underneath it all is a peace I cannot explain which carries me.
We have had a long , hot, lazy summer here. I feel slightly ‘consternated’ (I just like that word, even though I don’t expect to see it in a dictionary, so there) because the remaining weeks of summer are starting to slip through my fingers at an alarming rate. Once again I didn’t do half the things on my wishful thinking to-do list. Soon school will be in full swing and will consume my time. Why didn’t I use my summer time more wisely? It’s the story of my life!
I did have fun though – going to a waterpark with the boys and a friend, playing canasta with girl friends until the wee hours of the morning, reading some interesting books, painting a room and furniture, visiting with sweet friends.
I appreciate all the sweet little notes I have been receiving from you all, to check in on me and see how I am doing. A friend asked me at church why I haven’t been blogging. When I told her I feel like I have nothing to say, she told me that I ALWAYS have something to say. Hmmmm. I am not so sure anymore. My life is what it is and it has become pretty un-profound lately. Nothing new, just me pressing on and trying to walk with Jesus. Boring, actually.
I do sometimes feel as though I have a book churning in me. It is not about Jenna. I might share what it is about some time. 🙂
Well, there you have it. I haven’t written in a long time, and here I sit, wondering what to say. I think I will end this post, but first I want to share two things. First(ly), baby Stellan needs your prayers again. He is back in hospital and his SVT is dangerously high, his little body is growing tired of it.
Secondly. We went to see My Sister’s Keeper last week. I am surprised that I even went. It promised to be a disturbing movie, after all that we have been through. As it turned out, it was sad, but cathartic in a way, and the story was sufficiently dissimilar to ours to not spark too many painful reminders. (There were a few.) I HAVE to share with you the last few words in the movie though. It is somewhat of a spoiler, so if you want to see the movie without knowing what happens in the end, don’t read what I am about to type, OK?
The movie ends with a narration by the younger sister’s character:
I had a sister. She was fantastic. I know I will see her again. Until then, our relationship continues.
I could so quote those words:
I had a little girl. She was fantastic. I know I will see her again. Until then, our relationship continues.