And so, I blog

It’s been almost two months since my last post. Whew! I am askeered to look at my blog stats. 😀 I think I am staying away from that page for now.

It’s Jenna’s 5th birthday tomorrow and I am experiencing the familiar roller coaster of emotion that precedes a big Jenna day.  I announced at church this morning that we’ll be having ice cream in her honor at a Baskin Robbins tomorrow afternoon, and I couldn’t keep the tears from flowing as I did so.  It surprised me. Once again I have misjudged the way this thing sneaks up on you when you least expect it. I felt fragile and teary all through the service, so much so that I had to leave my seat next to hubby in the front and go and sit at the back in order to compose myself. 

Still, I am really, really OK. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes it feels like my heart is ripping in two and the pain of missing Jenna  is searing and sharp. But I am OK. I will be OK. The acute, searing pain is temporary. Underneath it all is a peace I cannot explain which carries me.

We have had a long , hot, lazy summer here. I feel slightly ‘consternated’ (I just like that word, even though I don’t expect to see it in a dictionary, so there) because the remaining weeks of summer are starting to slip through my fingers at an alarming rate. Once again I didn’t do half the things on my wishful thinking  to-do list. Soon school will be in full swing and will consume my time. Why didn’t I use my summer time more wisely? It’s the story of my life!

I did have fun though – going to a waterpark with the boys and a friend, playing canasta with girl friends until the wee hours of the morning, reading some interesting books, painting a room and furniture, visiting with sweet friends.

I appreciate all the sweet little notes I have been receiving from you all, to check in on me and see how I am doing. A friend asked me at church why I haven’t been blogging. When I told her I feel like I have nothing to say, she told me that I ALWAYS have something to say. Hmmmm. I am not so sure anymore. My life is what it is and it has become pretty un-profound lately. Nothing new, just me pressing on and trying to walk with Jesus. Boring, actually.

I do sometimes feel as though I have a book churning in me. It is not about Jenna. I might share what it is about some time. 🙂

Well, there you have it. I haven’t written in a long time, and here I sit, wondering what to say. I think I will end this post, but first I want to share two things. First(ly), baby Stellan needs your prayers again. He is back in hospital and his SVT is dangerously high, his little body is growing tired of it.

Secondly. We went to see My Sister’s Keeper last week. I am surprised that I even went. It promised to be a disturbing movie, after all that we have been through. As it turned out, it was sad, but cathartic in a way, and the story was sufficiently dissimilar to ours to not spark too many painful reminders. (There were a few.) I HAVE to share with you the last few words in the movie though. It is somewhat of a spoiler, so if you want to see the movie without knowing what happens in the end, don’t read what I am about to type, OK?

The movie ends with a narration by the younger sister’s character:

I had a sister. She was fantastic. I know I will see her again. Until then, our relationship continues.

I could so quote those words:

I had a little girl. She was fantastic. I know I will see her again. Until then, our relationship continues.

 

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8 responses to “And so, I blog

  1. It is SOOOOO good to hear from you! I sometimes wonder if it feels demanding to keep up such a personal blog.

    I have been praying for you and your family as her birthday approaches. I didn’t send a card because I wasn’t sure how you were celebrating this year and I didn’t want to upset you. But know that I never stop praying and I do want to say
    Happy 5th Birthday Jenna!

    I saw “My Sister’s Keeper” too! I usually don’t watch “chick flicks” but I really wanted to see that one. I enjoyed the movie, even though it was sad.

    I’m here if you ever need to talk.

    (((SUPER BIG HUGS)))

  2. On a fun side note:

    Consternate is in the dictionary! I just got a Collegiate Dictionary for our school (we homeschool). I was so excited to look it up! HA!

    consternated-to fill with consternation

    (wow, that helps doesn’t it!)

    consternation-to throw into confusion

    Hope that helps! The mystery has been solved!

  3. Welcome back, Sumi! And a very Happy Birthday for your wonderful Jenna!

    Sometimes I think we who follow Jesus put too much pressure on ourselves to be OK at all times, in anything. He never asked us to be OK, only to believe in Him and all He is. Treasure that broken place and enjoy celebrating your daughter on her special day.

  4. Happy Birthday, sweet Jenna.

  5. Sumi dearest,
    The walk with Jesus is never boring, maybe just more peaceful at times.

  6. My son’s birthday is also July 27th. He went to be with Jesus on June 21st of this year. He would have been 21. I am so sorry for your loss. I was one of those bystanders who could not understand how it felt to lose a child, now I know. And it is the most awful, deep, dark hole there is. But it is getting better with time.

  7. I think my memory went on vacation the day my son was diagnosed with brain cancer, forgetting stuff and avoidance is part of how I cope now I think.

    So if I’ve already mentioned this to you, please forgive me. Our dear little friend Regina is an extra in My Sister’s Keeper. Regina was diagnosed with the same tumor as my son Steven, literally the week after Steven finished treatment. They live near us, less than an hour’s drive away, a mutual friend put us in touch with each other.

    I talked to the mom and after hearing about St. Jude, she decided to travel 2000 miles to Memphis and do the same treatment as Steven.

    A little over 2 years ago Regina relapsed, with 40 new tumors in her brain and was given 2 months to live. She’s still here, but she’s got new tumors in her brainstem that may be growing, those monsters that live in her brain are never satisfied.

    Regina was in the waiting room reading a book when Sara found out that Anna was suing and stomped out. She was in the background when Kate was throwing up from chemo.

    The only really upsetting thing about that film to me was seeing how much Regina has declined since they filmed the movie. It was a Hollywood version of a tragedy that so many of us have lived, the living of it is the hard thing.

    I saw it twice because a friend of mine wanted to see it after I’d already seen it and she wanted to go with me. Beautifully filmed and acted, but the book was much better.

    Hugs to you, Jenna’s mama.

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