All I want

I have had a rough week. Or two. I cannot quite put my finger on one single reason why, but I reckon it has something to do with back-to-school craziness and adjusting to teaching again. There are lots of changes around here but I don’t feel like writing about them now. They are nothing serious, but it always takes time to get used to doing new things in new ways. Add a good dose of the old hormones to the mix, and you get a pretty emotional Sumi.

I am not typically given to mood swings, but my emotions have certainly been running the gamut here. Loneliness. Anger. Melancholy. Frustration. Depression. Missing Jenna. Being weepy for no discernable reason at all. I do think that as I approach my mid forties those hormones are stepping up a bit. So I am not taking my current state of mind seriously. I realise it is transcient and I will be myself again very soon.

I found it hard to enter into worship at church tonight though. I have made several faux pas this week, blurted out something that I shouldn’t have, lost my cool with a rude driver in a really over-the-top way (with my kids as witnesses), nursed anger towards my hubby for not being here more, struggled to find my stride in a new class I am teaching at school. My house is a wreck, our family is in desperate need for a better routine, I am not getting around to everything that demands my time. To top it all, I have not been yoked with Jesus and drawing on my relationship with God to see me through. I have been (moodily) going it alone. And failing desperately.

I arrived too late at church to secure my regular spot on the worship team. We have been missing a microphone ever since a concert we had at the church two weeks ago, and there are only three mics for four singers. Until we can get the situation rectified, the one who arrives last misses out, or has to share a mic with another singer. I decided not to share tonight, but to worship off the stage where I could fling my arms out wide and sing freely without the constraints of being a part of the team.

As always, I could feel Jesus tugging at my heart and wooing me to enter into that place of intimate worship with him. But I felt too sullied, too broken, too useless to give in to that tender call. What could Jesus possibly want from miserable old me? Someone who keeps failing at the same old things, over and over and over again? I told him such. I told him that all I could give him was this pitifully weak and unfaithful heart of mine.

He whispered back:

It’s all I want.

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11 responses to “All I want

  1. Beautiful. I needed to hear His response to you… hopefully He would be saying it to me too.

    Blessings to you Sumi,
    Amanda
    (Australia)

  2. I accidentally left me comment for this on the post below, because I got mixed up about where to comment. Sorry about that. But thank you for writing this. I really needed it.

  3. I’ve been thinking about you, wondering how you’ve been settling in to the new school year. The beginning of the year is always beyond difficult for me as it marks yet another beginning, a new start, without Hannah.

    My home is a wreck, I’m stressed out by a new routine (and a co-teacher who is a bit peevish with me at the moment–grrrr) at school, and dangnabit, life just keeps moving forward, often dragging me kicking and screaming with it.

    You are often on my heart (as Lily grows, she reminds me so of your sweet Jenna) and I’ll say many extra prayers for you in the days and weeks to come.

    I get it. I do.

    Many hugs,
    Rach

  4. Oh Sumi. I’ll pray for you tonight sweet sister. My heart just aches for you.

  5. Sumi,

    Once again, I am touched by your transparency and heart. Your words encouraged me since I, too, have been feeling out of sorts recently…discouraged, uncertain, frustrated, hurt, and like most women, a bit hormonal. I love Jesus’ response to your offer of your frail heart…”It’s all I want.” I’m reminded of my own need to simply faint into his arms and trust him with every aspect of my life. That truly is all he really wants…

    “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29

    May you be refreshed and at rest in him today…

    Jenny

    P.S.I was touched to find my blog “Strength and Dignity” listed in your blogroll. I had no idea that anyone had found me or was reading my posts. I’m not writing on that particular blog anymore but you can find me at growingstrong-barker.blogspot.com

  6. Thinking of you this morning…missing my son as well. Grateful for your post that reminds me that we all need Jesus to get through the day.

    Love,
    Mark’s mommy, Angie

  7. I’m not logged in – just missing you.

  8. That is truly beautiful and so transparent.

    Thank you for putting my own season of spiritual drought into perspective and thank you specially for your prayers and the comment you left for me in Pete Wilson’s blog. I think there is a lot of wisdom in what you are saying.

    It was good of you to take the time to encourage a complete stranger. Please know that I am very grateful.

    I am praying for you too. May the Lord continue to flood you with his grace to overcome the challenges of everyday life.

    Be blessed.

    Mercedes

  9. I have had many computer problems, so I’m sorry I didn’t see this post sooner.

    I still continue to pray for you and your family. Your post summed up the space I too have been in.

    Love you!

    Cynthia Y.

  10. just checking in. Haven’t been here in a while. You were a great source of encouragement for me when I was going through an adoption loss. I wanted you to know we have a beautiful girl and in the throes of our one year anniversary with her I was going back through all those old posts. Thank you again for your sweet words of encouragement.

    I too am approaching 40, and no, we can’t do any of this without God. You are so right.

    Doesn’t it just blow you away sometimes how much He loves us? there are times it just feels so big and other times it feels personal, romantic and intimate.

  11. I’m relating to you in this post on so many levels. Thanks for putting it into words.

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