Somebody told me today that I have words inside me that are a blessing, that are uniquely Sumi, and that the world needs to hear.

God knows, I have been throwing up walls around myself and my heart for the past few months. In the process, my words got stifled.

It was soooooo refreshing to sit over lunch and let those words spill out. To tear down the walls and bare my heart and get that kind of clarity that only comes when you are in honest fellowship with a non-judgmental friend. Oh, how we as the body of Christ need each other. I’ve been trying to make it on my own but there is something so empowering in a journey shared. I think it has something to do with our friends being the hands and face and feet of Jesus to us, where we can see the heart of God towards us as it is reflected in the sweet face of a friend.

I have not found myself in a good place lately. My heart has been hard, cynical, bitter. I acknowledged to myself yesterday that yes, I was angry at God. Angry because I am missing Jenna and I am surrounded by so many pregnant mothers – all of whom are having little girls.  Angry because I don’t see myself changing like I hoped I would. I am still the same old Sumi, plodding along the same old paths.

I am bone weary of the same old stale patterns in my life, and I am longing for a deluge of fresh, life giving rain to come and wash me clean and refresh this (c)old heart.

I had a moment today where I told God that I didn’t want to become a bitter and cynical old woman. I prayed a bit and opened my bible – and he met me. What a faithful God.

I was reminded again that it is in beholding his face, and seeing his preciously tender heart towards me, that I am changed. I am amazed that this mighty God of the universe stoops down in kindness – and LOVES me, pitiful thing that I am, and makes me his treasure.  Who can help but adore a God like that?

My friend was right. I need to have an outlet. I need to write (or talk someone’s ear off). She said I must make time for it, that my words are a gift.

I might begin writing my book. I might blog more. Either way, I will be sharing my heart. And I am happy at the thought.


6 responses to “Words

  1. So glad to see you writing again. I think of you often and check in on you. Your words bless me. Thanks, Nita

  2. Oh Sumi. Your words are such a gift and a blessing. I think of you often and miss reading about your precious Jenna.
    Keep sharing your love of her with us. Pictures and stories never get tiring to us. And how faithful our God is to you is such an encouragement.

  3. As always, you speak directly to my heart and explain my situation, even though our circumstances are somewhat different.

    It’s amazing what God will use to keep us close to Him. I keep wishing it could be flowers and lollipops, but would that kind of life yield what He wants to do through us?

    I’m always praying for you and your family!

    Cynthia Y.

  4. Sumi, I dont’ read you often but I hope you keep writing more so I can change that. Today your words blessed me. I am also not in a good spot, angry at God, thought I would be farther along in this journey.. And it’s good to know I”m not alone.

  5. oh sumi…praying for you. for your heart and your sweet sweet spirit as you continue to miss your sweet girl……

  6. It seems I’ve read your story of Jenna at some point before but I stumbled across your blog again today. I can so relate to the battle against cynicism and bitterness. It is because of our humanness that these things threaten to take up residence within us. It is only by his grace that we are brought back to surrenedering, once again, to Him.
    Praying for you today.

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